Insights Out -- by Chad Hatfield

Do-It-Yourself

2010-06-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

I'm back from my long break.

Last spring I bought one of those Do-It-Yourself laser eye surgery kits. It didn't go so well.
It sounded so simple in the ad.

Well anyhow, I'm back. And I plan to be back for awhile (as long as my new Do-It-Yourself intestine unkinking kit isn't a cheap hack, too).

I can't believe that we pay money for Do-It-Yourself anything. Can you imagine asking the neighbor kid to mow your lawn and he says "do it yourself" and then you give him five bucks?
It's like tipping a waiter who tells you "hey, your food is in the kitchen" as he walks by. I think I'm just about out of the do-it-yourself game for awhile.

The only kit I would still recommend is the Do-It-Yourself manufacturing foreign currency kit. That really was a money maker.

Beware of Hoax

2009-05-20T05:29:00.000-07:00

There’s a new product floating around the web scamming hundreds, maybe even thousands (at least one for sure). The product is Ab Creatine.

Ab Creatine claims to make your ab muscles grow big and strong fast. In reality, it’s just a $50 bottle of corn starch. My abs did get big in just a couple of weeks, but it was really fatty muscle. Buyer beware.

Forward this post to everyone you know who really needs some help with their abs. They may be the next victim.

Letter to Baby

2009-05-05T11:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Baby,

You have your mother’s eyes. And the body of your father, but don’t worry, you’ll grow out of that.

I can see you also inherited the cold waxy complexion of your great-grandmother, and her stiff, almost unmovable joints. Wait, I’m looking at a doll. There you are. Oh yes. You’re a darling.

I can tell by the gleam in your eye that you will grow up to be a quarterback, or possibly a quarterback’s wife. Don’t you have any clothes in gender specific colors?

Years later you’ll read this letter and think, who are you to know all these things? Whoah, where did you get all that cynicism from? (Don’t say me. Odds are I’ll already be on thin ice with your parents.)

It’s hard to believe that you are already a few hours old. It seems like only yesterday, I was sitting at home watching the clock waiting for the phone call that you had arrived. But no, you were late, and I lost that bet with Uncle Mike. I guess I’m still pretty upset. I’m not sure when I will forgive you, but let’s try to keep things amicable during these rough years, until things blow over.

I want to be the first to say to you “Welcome to Earth.” It is a nice place, a safe place. Except for the people, and volcanoes. Oh yes, stay away from volcanoes (and most people).

I know that you can’t speak yet, but I can just imagine your sweet little voice saying you are sorry for being late and costing me all that money. And most important, you promise you’ll pay me back someday when you’re older.

I was going to buy you a little animal, but I didn’t. Not because of the grudge, it’s just that money I lost from the bet, remember?

You and I have a lot in common. We both just want to lie around all day and have people feed us and take care of us. Your mother is good at that. You know I lived with your folks after college while I was looking for my dream job. FYI, you’ll be asked to do some chores around the house, even if it’s “not really your thing.” But you probably won’t be asked to move out after four and a half years of not doing them.

If I had some advice for you, it would be this: Don’t let them rush you into potty training. Hang onto those diapers for as long as you can. It’s no fun having to rush to the bathroom all the time. I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep since.

You may think you have seen it all, but all you’ve really seen is the inside of this one room. There’s so much more. In fact, there’s a whole hospital out there. I’ve been wandering around room to room for the last couple of hours. I can tell you stories.

I apologize in advance if I ever wrongfully blame any smells on you. It’s just the world we live in.

I can’t wait to hold you. Or better yet, if your parents bought one of those baby cribs that rock themselves, I can’t wait to pretend that I’m rocking you in that.

I know that for awhile you will cry all the time for your parents to hold you. But soon enough you’ll be crying about your parents not wanting to let go. And then later you’ll be crying for them to let go of your wallet/purse, while your dad explains that he just needs a couple of extra bucks until his invention sells. I don’t know. Maybe that last part will be different in your family.

I like you already. Because I know you are different than the rest. You’re not going to tilt your head to the side and make that look whenever I say “What, don’t you trust me?”

I hope that in the future we will be great friends, because now you’re my best and only friend.

There, there. You get your rest now. Don’t worry; when you wake up, I’ll be right there, standing over you, wearing my funny wolfman mask.

Sweet dreams,

Your favorite uncle

Sockology

2009-04-21T23:41:00.000-07:00

When I encounter a difficult problem, I usually treat it like I would newly washed socks. I fold up the problem and put it away in a drawer. Then later the next day when I’m calmed down, I’ll get the socks out. I’ll put them on my hands and make them attack me. When they’ve got me pinned, I’ll scream and rip the socks off and throw them into the hamper.

Most of my problems are from having too many socks.

Change of Pace

2009-04-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I want to do more "smart humor."

So this philosopher was on the can . . .

bath robes

2009-04-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

Bath robes can be used for a variety of events. Some of the more popular ones are Christmas pageants with lots of shepherds; another is conventions where people try to act like they just woke up.

Monday morning post

2009-04-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

A good way to keep business meetings from going too long is to prepare an agenda and stick to it. Another way would be to make everyone wear a neck tie that got shorter every time the wearer spoke. As a person keeps speaking, the tie keeps shrinking its way up until it disappears and the person’s shirt falls off. Then at the end of the meeting, you take the company picture.

The Express Lane

2009-04-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

I just do not understand grocery stores. When I read the sign “Express Lane: ten items or less,” I was under the impression that this was a lane for people in a hurry. I was clearly mistaken. This is a lane for people who cannot count.

It seemed simple enough—ten items or less. This should mean you can have ten items or any number of items that is less than ten, like four, or seven, or nine items for example. It is not ten items plus less than ten other items. I was confused. These seemed like nice educated people in line with me. Maybe they thought hand lotion, milk, orange juice, yogurt—these are all non-solids—one item.

I quickly discovered that express lanes are not fast lanes. This was not just baseless complaining. I had proof. As always, I tested my ability to pick a good line. I noted that I could have been behind that man in the red jacket, but I took the express lane, because I had only nine items (plus one item of fruits/vegetables/cans of soup). The man in the red jacket checked out. Then the two people behind him checked out. I was still reading the same magazine cover that I was when I got in my lane. I considered switching lanes. But I reminded myself that choosing a lane is like the stock market. I couldn’t worry about the ups and downs. I was in this for the long haul. No need to panic. Stay the course and all will even out. Two more people in the other lane check out. I could not read this magazine cover any longer.

I looked to the front of my line and discovered the problem. The lady at the front tells the cashier “I’m sorry I could not find the tomato soup. Can you please send someone?” Maybe that is why it an express lane. You can go straight to the line without even having to find all of your items. It is express in, but slow out.

The lady then uses a coupon. She is mystified that the cashier will not accept it, even though it is from 1994 and the store manager explains that the store offering the coupon went out of business and this is now a different store.

Finally the lady decides to write a check. She hands it to the teenage check-out girl. This girl has never seen a check before. She has no idea what it is. She holds it up to the light. “I’m sorry Ma’am, but this is not a real $98.41 bill.”

The lady does not hear this, though. She is still frantically rummaging through her purse for her rewards card. Rewards cards are another thing tough to figure out. Special discount rates for reward card holders. All of my experiences with rewards cards go like this:

“Do you have a rewards card?”

“No.”

“Do you want to sign up for a free one now?”

“Sure.”

Then the next time I come to the store.

“Do you have a rewards card?”

“Yes, but I forgot it at home.”

“That’s okay. Just tell me your telephone number.”

I give my home number.

“I’m sorry that number is not in our system.”

I give my cell number.

“I’m sorry. That’s not in the system.”

“It’s probably my wife’s cell number. Hmmm. I have it on speed dial on my phone, but I forgot it in the car. I think it has a lot of fours and sevens.”

“Don’t worry. It’s okay. I’ll just scan my little card here.”

It’s like the world’s easiest test. All answers are accepted. It seems to qualify for the special rewards card rate all you have to do is be in the store and manage to find a checkout lane. Let’s save everyone some time and just do away with the test.

At least in the express lane, they should limit each customer to only two guesses at the phone number on their account. That would help a little.

Practice Makes Perfect

2009-04-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

Johnny bragged that he could hold his breath for a long time. “How long?,” asked the other children. I can hold it until the bell rings. “Oh, no! Don’t even try,” plead the children. But Johnny did try—and he failed. “Give me another shot,” Johnny asked. But again he failed. “One more try,” Johnny asked. This time he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and the bell rang immediately. "He did it! He did it!," the children sang. The third time Johnny did it easily. Practice does make perfect.

Topic: Solid Financial Planning in Tough Times and Weight Loss

2009-02-06T03:33:00.000-08:00

If you want to lose weight, instead of getting a liposuction, go for a C-section. You lose weight with both, but with the C-section, you get a kid for free.

How to scare a scare crow

2009-02-05T13:18:00.000-08:00

One of the hardest things ever to do is scare a scare crow. I tried dressing up like fire, but I was burned too badly by the time I got to the cornfield to do anything. But he could probably hear my screaming from a distance and that probably at least unsettled him a little.

Cash Prize Poll - Sponsored by FTWNAFBP

2009-01-12T15:01:00.000-08:00

Please take the poll located at the right of the page. Fortunetellers of Western North America for Big Profits (or "FTWNAFBP") is offering high payouts for those found to be "touched by the rainbow's wisdom." If you select the right answer, you may win up to $5,000.* There is no cost to enter--unless you pay me of course, which I would be glad to accept if you need a tax write off (won't work) or less money in your bank account for some reason. Please do not delay. This offer will not last long (if it even exists at all).

*Cash prize is conditioned upon you independently buying your own scratch lotto ticket and winning. Odds of winning vary by each ticket as do cash prizes--thus the prize is stated as "up to" $5,000. If you buy a scratch ticket offering prizes of over $5,000, then it is possible to win more than $5,000. Again, this is only if you win, and you must buy your own ticket. Do not send me used scratch shavings.

2009 Goals

2009-01-05T15:40:00.000-08:00

I thought it would be a clever idea to make 2,009 goals for the year 2009. However, I started to lose steam before I even reached 1,000. So, here are my goals for this upcoming year.

1. Invent the computer.
2. Talk to an astronaut, and not just on a prank call.
3. Defeat the rainbow, once and for all.
4. Learn French but never use it.
5. Tie a new kind of knot each day of the year.
6. Learn how to untie at least some of the knots.
7. Go on a strict "No Food or Drink" diet for over 1,000 hours. (this equates to around 3 hours a day, which I plan on doing from 2 - 5 a.m.
8. Go river rafting on the Sudan.
9. Memorize an entire book (Where's Waldo, Volume IV.)
10. Somehow save lots of money by eating left handed.
11. Don't blow all of the money I made by inventing the computer.
12. Stop wasting money on buying soda, gas, and reptile cages.
13. No T.V. on Labor Day.
14. Lose 35 or 3 pounds, whichever comes first.
15. Give away two phony scholarships.
16. Make a volcano go off.
17. Videotape a monkey performing surgery.
18. Buy a healthcare.
19. Never quit on any of my goals unless they get pretty hard (or boring, or I lose the list).
20. Sip lemonade at the tennis club with all the bigshots without crying because it's so sour.
21. Write a book (in the sand with a stick on a beach somewhere warm).
22. Sue anyone who says they invented the computer.

May all your goals magically come true this year.

Santa Tracking Report

2008-12-24T14:40:00.000-08:00

The latest report just came in. Santa ran into a little weather situation (mini tsunami) and is still flying over Indonesia.

The odds of him making it farther west than England is pretty grim.

Children in the Americas should be informed that although Christmas may be fruitless, all indicators are pointing to a big Easter.

More updates as they come in.

How to Land a Dream Job in a Down Economy

2008-12-20T23:47:00.000-08:00

How to Land the Job of Your Dreams: The ultimate and fail safe job interview helps that are guaranteed to land you the job of your choice.

Rule number one: Always start by stating that you went to Harvard. That is impressive and will be your “in.”

Once you have your “in,” tell the interviewer something interesting about yourself, but avoid any funny stories of things you have done that may be considered “criminal activity.” If you cannot think of something interesting about yourself, think about something interesting that someone you know has done. (After all, we influence the people we know, so it is really more of a team effort.) For example, you may say “I was the first man to walk on the moon.” We all know who Neil Armstrong is, so no harm done. Plus, this is also impressive. Now you have two “ins.”

With two “ins”, it is pretty hard not to get the job. At this point, you are just trying not to blow it. Stay away from explosive topics like war, politics, religion, and especially political religious wars. Instead, try asking a few questions about the interviewer’s love life. You want to make things personal. The interviewer may act hesitant at first, but keep prodding. This is all part of the test. Keep the payoff in sight. If you develop a connection with the person, you will have sealed the deal. If you do not feel that immediate connection, try throwing in a few statements like “My favorite color is the same as yours.” Or “If you had your own business, I would definitely want to work there . . . forever . . . and ever . . . and ever . . . and ever. Continue the “and evers” until the interviewer breaks away from your piercing eye contact, even if this takes several minutes. He needs to know that you are sincere—to the grave and beyond sincere.

At this stage, the interviewer will probably go through a series of questions as a formality. Be prepared to answer questions about why all the phone numbers for your references are disconnected or no longer in use.

When asked about your prior work experience, be descriptive and use bold action verbs. Do not say “I babysat during the summer.” Instead, say “I engineered and developed state-of-the-art technology as regional director of the research and development department.” Such language will pique the interviewer’s interest. Employers want people with transferable skills. They are not looking for someone to babysit (unless it is a child care center—that is the only exception), they want someone to engineer and develop. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard employers say that.

Also, don’t wait too long to ask if the employer believes in some of the illnesses you think you may have. This would also be the time to ask detailed questions about the number of security cameras and guards they keep around the office. It is important to show interest in their business.

And most important, be prepared for anything. Bring a can of mace, a magic deck of cards, a jump rope, monopoly money, anything that might get you out of a tough question.

And finally, for a nice finishing touch to the interview, hand the interviewer a thank you card and ask him to write his name and his company’s name in the blanks. (You do not want to risk misspelling the names. It may give the impression that you are not thoughtful.) When he is done, ask to borrow a stamp, and then leave the thank you card on his desk. (This way, even if you do not get the job—hey, free stamp!)

Remember proper etiquette is to wait at least five minutes before calling to see if you got the job and to ask if you can get that first pay check advanced.

Enjoy many happy years in the job of your dreams.

Editor position available

2008-12-16T10:04:00.000-08:00

If anyone would like to be an associate editor for this blog, please e-mail me a one word resume.

Please do not send anything longer than one word. I have a very old computer.

Concession Post

2008-12-15T15:53:00.000-08:00

Recently there has been a lot of buzz around the Internet about when I am going to update my newly transformed political blog. Obviously, that last post was less about politics than it was about Thanksgiving (or pilgrim chemicals or whatever it was about—I really couldn’t follow it). If you want to know the truth about the political blog—I had to shut it down.

It is with deep regret that I inform you that my political blog is no more. It turns out that what I considered “not bad,” many others with a background in politics considered “very, very bad, in a monumental way.”

Recent reports indicate that my one day of political blogging was the nation’s biggest disaster since the Fredericks Fiasco and more than likely caused the nation’s economic downturn. (For the novice, the Frederick’s Fiasco was when we elected Mr. Fredericks, who we later discovered was a scarecrow and then had to elect a new president right away. Actually, that may have been a cartoon. No matter now.)

The day after my political post, 15,700 people requested to have their citizenship revoked and moved to Canada (could anything really be that serious?). Experts claim it is linked to my blog, but I have my own theory (My theory involves a bunch of people, maybe 15,700 or so, who wanted their Citizen brand watches refurbished and also happened to be terrible typists.)

Over 600 legal immigrants pretended to have fraudulent social security numbers and voluntarily turned themselves in. Each handed the authorities a confession in feigned broken English citing to my website.

Additionally, almost 37% of those signed up to take the US Citizenship test no-showed. Again, everyone is blaming that on my blog, but I’ve yet to read any compelling evidence. (I’ve thrown all of the reports they sent straight into the garbage.)

So, I’ll go back to writing about highlighters, wind chimes, second-hand kung-fu moves, and other topics that affect people’s lives on a more meaningful and day-to-day level than mere politics. Besides, I really couldn’t think of any more ideas. I pretty much covered all I knew about politics in that one post.

This may come to a great surprise to anyone who has ever attended a social gathering with me, but I actually do not follow politics as closely as you probably supposed. Pretty much all I do at those gatherings is go up to people talking politics and throw in a couple of rehearsed phrases. I’ve found the following to work well in most all situations:

“Our entire system is constitutionally constipated!” (throw down napkin and storm off)
“Recount! Recount!” (can be repeated numerous times for great comedic effect)
“typical intellectual mannequins” (said with a disgusted face)
“Show me a candidate who will dye their green roots red, white, and blue, and I’ll bake him a presidential cake faster than you can say Secretary of State.” (force a tear, or if you’re no actor, gently poke your eye with a toothpick beforehand.)

I just throw those out at random. People really in those discussions are usually smart enough to somehow abstract something intellectually coherent out of the phrase. Man, they are really smart. I really should have had them write on my blog. Oh well, that ship has sunk.

So, Goodbye politics. I wish I could have gotten to know you a little better. I’ll try studying up again in 2012 on the drive over to the voting booths.

And lastly, to all of you who depended on my blog for your political insight these past few months (or one day, if you want to be technical), I wish you the best. As they say in politics (or in any situation really), “see ya’ around.”

A Trytophanian Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T23:00:00.000-08:00

Trytophan—an el camino acid found in turkey that purportedly makes people tired.

Scientists have repeatedly asserted that the drowsiness frequently experienced on Thanksgiving can be attributed to the eating of a big meal and not specifically to eating turkey. Still there are some who continue to believe that eating turkey makes you tired. (See wikopedia – trytophaniacs). I’m with them. It’s true. I’ve experienced it. I offer a summary of my day’s happenings as living proof.

This morning I was in bed dreaming about turkeys, and I didn’t fully wake up until all the cleaning around the house was done and the real turkey was prepared and in the oven.

And then the smell of the turkey cooking made me so tired that I couldn’t even help set the table and prepare the side dishes that I insisted that no one else make but me. (I found a secret recipe on the back of an instant mashed potatoes box. Hint—add extra butter.)

I took one look at the giant Turkey balloon in the parade, and my eyes instantly glazed over and I couldn’t hear a single word of the things people were asking me to do, especially about vacuuming the living room or answering the door. You’d think by the way she went on that Aunt Gilda had never waited out in the freezing rain for ten minutes before.

Then came actually eating the turkey. I was so sleepy during the meal that there was no way I could fight back the belching—let alone say “excuse me Pilgrim,” as is the custom of the day.

Then after the turkey dinner, I barely had enough energy to ask someone to bring me a turkey sandwich, while I sprawled out on the couch watching the game. Truth be told, I couldn’t even stand up when my team scored a touchdown. I had to just raise my two hands above my head, then fold them back behind my head. I was asleep by the time the extra point went through.

I probably should not have had that last turkey sandwich. My drowsiness got so bad that I could not even control what I was saying or doing. There’s no way that I normally would have kept asking Aunt Gilda to loan my thirty-five dollars. And I certainly wouldn’t have slipped her a note that read: put the cash in my pie or a Pilgrim gets it. I had ancestors who were Pilgrims (or maybe it was pilferers—whichever is the one where they were the big hats with buckles on them and steal packs of gum from stores).

I was so tired from all that turkey that there was no way I could help with the dishes or even tell anyone that I had put my dirty plate under the couch because I was too sleepy to take it to the sink. It took all my energy to keep yelling to my wife from the kitchen to come join me and I would do the dishes later. Although, I think that last part was the turkey talking. I meant to say the dishes would get done later.

I usually stay too sleepy to help with the dishes for several months.

At one point my mother pulled me aside and said she needed to talk to me about something really important. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she drew me close. I could smell the turkey on her breath, and I was asleep by the time she could control her tears enough to start talking.

When saying goodbye to all of our guests I would have loved to have zipped up my fly, which I just noticed was down, but by then I was totally exhausted. All I could muster to do was give a half wave and mumble “gobble gobble.”

I didn’t even have the ambition to tell them to come again sometime or even to give Uncle John his coat back—even after he asked for it a couple of times. Give it a rest John. Man, give that guy some more turkey.

Before dozing off for my third nap, I thought about all the pilgrims and why they were so set on eating turkey all the time. Were they having trouble sleeping? Did they want their Native American guests to do the dishes? Was that really “so rude and embarrassing?”

Before crashing for the evening, I complained to my wife about the effects of all this turkey on my system. She said that she didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary in my behavior today. I guess maybe she wasn’t quite as sharp as usual; she did have a little turkey herself.

Well, when all is said and done, maybe I still haven’t convinced you of the effects of tryptophan. But at least, I can leave you all with this—the pilgrim’s Thanksgiving prayer:

A happy turkey to all, and to all a good gizzard. Gobble, gobble. Amen.

I've Gone Political

2008-11-10T22:20:00.000-08:00

I do not often delve into politics on this blog, but only because I don't know who any of the people are or take the time to find out what the issues are, not because I don't care.

In fact, I have had some really amazing experiences with the political process, even as recently as last week. When I went into the voting booth, a strong emotion swept over me as I realized something--I was in a telephone booth. It had been so long since I had seen one of them, I had forgotten what they looked like and got confused. It turns out that our state does mail in votes only. (The emotion that swept over me was embarrassment, which is somehow easy to mistake with voter's pride.)

By the way, I did end up filling out my ballot and mailed it overnight priority mail to that telephone booth. And that time, there was no mistaking the voter's pride of knowing that my vote counted.

So with that being said, I've elected to turn this blog into a political forum. Relax. I know what you're thinking. What's a white house? There's an "n" in government? You'll catch on. Thirty percent of the populus does. So please, E. pluribus your unum and be prepared to be moved politically.

History in the Making

2008-11-10T22:04:00.000-08:00

We have recently witnessed an historic election--the first African American to be elected as president. I think we all share the feeling that a barrier has been broken. This is almost as big as when George W. Bush was elected president. That was the first time that a father and a son had both been elected President of the United States.

I remember after that election sitting in my room thinking. I sat there imagining all the young men, who upon their fathers being sworn into office must have thought, "well, so much for me being president." They never conceived that they would have a chance.

And why would they? It had never been done before. There were probably tens of young men throughout our country's history who feared for their parents going into politics, afraid that the oval office door would be closed on their future. From the first son of George Washington, a history of sons being shunned was shattered by George Jr.'s election.

As I was back then, I again am reminded of what a great place America is. It truly is the land of opportunity. -- Obama's daughter in 2032. Let's make history again.

Missionary Memoirs

2008-09-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

It has been three months and six days since the last anniversary of my coming home from my mission in Russia. In honor of this event, I have selected some random entries from my mission memoirs. Be enlightened, enlifted, and engulfed.

I had a hard time understanding anything people were saying. I felt like giving up. Then something happened. I came to a realization—somehow, I was wearing headphones. (I couldn’t remember putting them on, but sure enough they were there.) Once I took them off, I was able to understand every word that anyone ever said to me for my entire mission. (Russian was way easy.)

A whole bunch of Russians were gathered together saying things like “Man, what’s with this country? Let’s just push it into the Black Sea and start over. We can be something more modern, like Laser Astronautica.” That’s when I stepped in. I stood before the enormous crowd and said in my loudest voice “What’s going on? Are you guys talking about something?”* The group quickly slinked away. My inquiry was exactly what they needed to hear. I had saved Russia. And in doing so, I converted a kid (but that was months earlier in a different city).
* It turns out I had my headphones on again.

Another time I stopped to buy an ice cream cone, and I can’t remember exactly what happened, but somehow that ended up saving Russia, too. All in all, I must’ve saved that country around seven or eight times.

I remember frequently laughing and joking with another missionary on the bus until we couldn’t stop laughing. Our companions would always give us these looks like “Oh, here they go again” and “nothing good will ever come of this.” But you know what—we may never have taught anyone on any of those bus rides, but no one can say that we never missed our stop. That happened all the time.

Every week we’d play this game where we would fill out a sheet with numbers. You were supposed to write whatever numbers pop into your head and try to guess the week’s magic numbers, or something like that. I didn’t know all the rules. I usually just looked at everyone else’s numbers and then picked numbers just a little higher than the rest. No one ever told us who won, but a lot of people did tell me that my numbers were good.

One day on the way to a first appointment with a new street contact, I decided that I was going to stand up this contact. I pretended that I couldn’t read my own handwriting and went to a wrong address on the other side of town. I had my companion knock on the door as I tried to hold back my laughter. The door opened and there stood our contact. Apparently he had given us a wrong address. We all learned a very valuable lesson that day, but I can’t seem to remember what that was.

I’ll tell you one thing I know for sure—a mission is not just about learning dumb magic tricks and wearing funny ties. I was reminded of that all the time.

The Russian people were not easy to get to know. Often times, unless you had a leak or didn’t pay rent, you’d have to leave your apartment to even meet any Russian people. Of course, once you actually saw them, they were open and friendly. But again, that’s only after you left your apartment.

Life in Russia was unpredictable. My companion often remarked that he never knew what to expect from one day to the next. I guess I understand that. I mean, some days I wouldn’t even get on the bus; other days I’d follow my companion onto the bus and then jump out just as the doors were closing; and some days I’d really try to get on the bus but would miss the door, hit the side of the bus, and fall back into the ice-cream stand line (where I’d stay all day).

A lot of the missionaries would wear those big fur hats, but I always thought that looked silly. I just wore a plain black stocking cap. I kept my fur hat tucked in my coat and would pull it out to pretend that a beaver was attacking me.

In Russia, when it snowed, it really snowed. Not like around here. The snow in Russia would be white and would fall downward from way up in the sky. This may sound like snow here, but the snow in Russia was Russian white and fell from a Russian sky.

On a mission you always go by “Elder.” In fact, after a time, I honestly forgot what my first name actually was. And that happened around lunch time on my first day! And that was just the start. By the end of my mission, I had forgotten where I lived, what I thought tasted good, what words rhymed with jam, almost everything.

I will never forget the time I went to a discussion or some other meeting and taught some people a whole lot of things about some topic and how they did or did not accept it.

The waiting

2008-09-24T17:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in about three months. I took some time off to think, brush my teeth, and watch some T.V. I'm happy to say that I have decided to take a break from taking time off.

So now I give you the three month's worth of thinking (and brushing teeth and watching T.V.) that went into the following post:

I decided to go to the beach, but then I forgot about it and stayed in my room all summer. One time my brother came in and told me a joke, but I was actually asleep with my eyes open (I reached the point where my eyes had dried out from so much T.V. that my eyelids could no longer close. -side note-Try leading a social life without being able to wink--good luck.) The next day my brother asked me if I liked the joke, so I pretended to choke on a bite of orange to get out of answering. It would have been very convincing if I had really had an orange.

I hope that was worth the wait. (p.s. If my brother has told you a joke in the last few months, let me know if it was good. I'm sure it was the same one.)

Amateur Researchers World of Researching the World (ARWRW)

2008-06-26T16:29:00.000-07:00

ARWRW members-- This week's research assignment:

Is trumpet a word? I believe so. All letters put together that are not numbers are words. Trumpet has letters together. Trumpet is not a number. I see no other alternatives—unless it is a noun. It could possibly be a noun. That gives us plenty to research for this week.

DR Alice* -- Advice Column

2008-06-09T16:56:00.000-07:00

(*DR stands for Don’s Relative, not necessarily “doctor” as many believe)

Dear Dr. Alice,

Most of the time I enjoy being with my in-laws. Meal times are the only exception. Whenever I look down to take a bite, my father-in-law shoots me in the face with a rubber band. He does this every time my wife and mother-in-law aren’t looking. He carries a rubber band ball made of hundreds of bands with him, and he can usually get in fifteen or more shots during a meal. I’m never sure what to do, so I merely smile and lightly nod to him each time he shoots me like I think it is a good joke.

We’re newly married and she really admires her father. I don’t want to rock the boat, but I am worried about getting my eye poked out. Do I say something? We have a dinner scheduled next week.

Bruised and Banded Husband

Dear BBH,

You may consider yourself silly to worry over this, but your concern is well founded. You may not realize this, but you use your eyes a lot more than you think—probably almost every day. If you really think about it, I bet you can scarcely go four or five hours without wanting to look at something. Many popular past-times such as reading, watching television, or even blinking all require at least one good eye. I fear that losing your vision would certainly prove to be a major inconvenience. Therefore, you should not feel like a big coward or baby because you are worried.

However, I think you would probably be crossing the line to talk to your wife about this. You have yet to lose even one eye, so to go on and on about losing your vision would seem a bit over-the-top. Plus, your mother-in-law would certainly think you were a big whiner. Although, you should not feel like that of course. But you cannot pretend to believe that others will not think that of you.

It is probably best for you to buy a nice pair of sunglasses—the kind used in sports, with the wrap around lenses would be best. This would preserve your eyes and prevent you from looking like a silly little girl in front of your in-laws. You could also try to buy him a pocket Tetris game. His hands would then be occupied and unable to inflict any more pain upon your face.

----

Dear Dr. Alice,

Sometimes I just get the feeling that people are watching me. I feel this most acutely when I’m making a speech or doing cartwheels in a crowded area. I just wish people would leave me alone and let me do what I want. If I want to stand in front of the T.V. and sing during everyone’s favorite show, so what? What’s the big deal? I’m just me.

ME

Dear ME,
Unfortunately, sometimes people can be cruel. Public speaking is extremely frightening. In certain polls, people actually reported fearing public speaking more than death (however, it should be noted that dying while giving a public speech was not an option). The only thing more frightening than public speaking would probably be public speaking at great heights. However, it sounds as if the people you have chosen to surround yourself with will not appreciate that. So, you have two options. Find an entirely new group of people to be around, or instead of singing in front of the T.V., just mouth the words of the actors on the show. Then there would be no cause for complaint.

The Ol' Fishin' Hole

2008-06-02T11:53:00.000-07:00

One day I decided to let Tommy in on my secret fishing hole. We were at lunch between classes, when I told him that I was done learning for the day, and that he could come along for some real education. Tommy took the bait, and we spent the rest of the afternoon lying on our backs looking up at the clouds and fishing. The next day I noticed Tommy wasn’t in class again. At lunch I took off to the fishing hole. And just as I had expected, there was Tommy. “I’ve created a monster,” I declared. Tommy looked up at me and then spread his wings and flew right at me. I was able to duck from his fangs just in time. I grabbed a broken tree branch lying on the ground and when Tommy came circling around, I used it to crack one of his wings. He fell to the ground and I finished him off with a big rock. After that experience, fishing always seemed kind of boring to me.

Help college

2008-05-09T14:09:00.000-07:00

I heard on the news that there are less college students today then there were even two weeks ago (I guess because a lot of students just graduated). If there continues to be less college students every two weeks, in enough time, there won't be anyone in college at all anymore. And then who are professors going to force to buy the books they wrote? High school teachers? Unlikely. But what about postal workers, and librarians, and other non-high school teachers like you and me? The answer is probably all of us .
We need to do something to encourage more people to go to college. I have one idea.

We could make a video and circulate it around the Internet. The video would show a college graduate walking through the procession. Then it cuts to later that night. The graduate is sitting in a dimly lit apartment eating soup out of his graduation cap. He looks at the camera and says "I will never eat soup again!" Then the rest of the video is of him later on in life walking around town throwing piles of money in the air everywhere he goes. And we're all thinking, Man, where's he getting all this money? Then at the end in big letters is the word College in solid gold lettering. Problem solved.

We would need a catchy title to draw attention. I was thinking, "Man jumps over volcano to save dog."

Please let me know if you are interested in helping. I'll need someone to shoot the video and someone to donate all the piles of money that will be thrown around. Let me know. Thanks.

My Feelings: Day 10

2008-05-05T16:16:00.000-07:00

I was skeptical at first, but now that I've gone through this process, I can honestly say that I feel that writing about my feelings is a big wasto el timo (in commemoration of Cinco de Mayo).

My Feelings: Day 9

2008-05-02T13:22:00.000-07:00

I asked some guy a question today, and he said he didn’t know the answer. It just really bothered me, because I didn’t want to have to ask someone else. I guess I can’t understand why things can’t just work out. Why is everything so difficult? I ended up having to ask a third person before I got the answer. It only took a couple of minutes, but by then, my day was shot.

My Feelings: Day 8

2008-05-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

My job is so hard. Nobody knows how hard my job is. How could anyone ever know? No one ever sees me doing my job. I spend most all of the day down in the basement. If someone comes down, I just pretend that I’m grabbing some pens and supplies and head back upstairs to my office and then circle back when they are gone. Nobody knows.

My Feelings: Day 8 update

2008-05-01T12:39:00.001-07:00

I was fired today. I guess somebody knew. I have never felt like this before. I feel free. No more hiding in the basement. I spent all day walking around, going into everyone’s office. I can’t even count how many people’s office I went into and said, “Did you hear the news? The rumor is I got canned.” Then after a couple of minutes of my rummaging through their things, they invariable struck up a conversation with me. We talked about all kinds of things—respecting a person’s private space, really having a lot to do right now, enforceability of restraining orders. I really enjoyed it. I think I might do this all week—maybe all year. It’s great finally getting to know these people.

My Feelings: Day 7

2008-04-30T14:30:00.001-07:00

I wonder if I’m really making an impact in the world. No, not really. But I do wonder if I could run over and take that man’s hat without him waking up.

My Feelings: Day 6

2008-04-29T12:55:00.000-07:00

Today I experienced one of the most powerful things a human can feel—a hot curling iron left on the bathroom counter for apparently no reason.

My Feelings: Day 5

2008-04-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get so frustrated that you feel like just stomping on a bunch of wire hangers and then slamming them into the garbage can? That’s how I felt yesterday when I tried to build a robot out of my old hangers. I spent all day on it, and all I ended up with was a big pile of clothes on my bed, plus no one to make me a sandwich, which was the whole point of the project.

My Feelings: Day 4

2008-04-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

We went to the fair and my three-year old son kept running off. So, I sat him down and told him that if he ran off, he might get lost and then we couldn’t be together anymore. I then gave him a hug and told him that I loved him and wanted him to stay with us always. A couple of minutes later, he saw a clown handing out balloons and ran off to get one. I wonder if he’s happy here.

My Feelings: Day 3

2008-04-24T13:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt really down? I mean, really down. If you have, please write and tell me what it’s like. I would like to write about it one of these days, but I always seem to be on top of the world, so I really wouldn’t know where to start. Thanks in advance.

My Feelings: Day 2

2008-04-23T12:54:00.000-07:00

This morning I felt completely alone—utterly and completely alone. But I later realized that I wasn’t as alone as I had thought. Someone had seen me take the box of doughnuts from the staff lounge and stuff it into my briefcase. I am learning that I cannot always trust my feelings.

My Feelings: Day 1

2008-04-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

For the past few days, I’ve been thinking that I should be more open with my feelings, but I didn’t know how. Then this morning I was reading a touching greeting card when I saw a dog with only three legs hobbling to the bus stop, presumably to go to work. He stopped for a moment to kiss his doggy wife goodbye. He then continued on his path, until he stopped to kiss another dog. And then a cat. And just when the bus pulled up, he ran off with a whole pack of dogs, yapping and spastically kissing all the way. That beautiful scene was like emotional fiber loosening the bowels of my heart. And so I’ve decided that for the next ten days, I’m going to write about my feelings. It will feel good to share some tears together.

My Feelings: Day #1
Today, I felt really cold. I don’t know what it was—maybe a draft. But for some reason I think it was something else (probably not buttoning my vest). I wasn’t sure what to do. I hadn’t felt that way in a while. I put my jacket on, and that seemed to help. I don’t know what I would have done if it weren’t for my jacket. I really don’t know.

User Friendly

2008-04-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

I tried to make my blog more user friendly. I realized that if anyone ever read this page, they would have to be constantly scrolling their eyes back and forth and up and down the page. So, I made links at the end of each line along the right side of the page. The link would then take the reader to the next line on the left side of the page. That saves the reader a lot of wasted time that he/she/noun could use to wonder why the punctuation was all wrong. I also added links at the end of each sentence that take the reader to the beginning of the next sentence. That way the reader can skip through the pointless spaces between sentences and keep on reading. These links were hyperlinks, which means that they glow, flash, and otherwise blink and jump around the screen. I then added links that automatically linked to other links on the page, until the entire blog was swirling around and emitting random holographs. However, I finally had to remove all of these great user friendly features when I realized the page was making my left eye partially melt. I apologize for the inconvenience, but you’ll have to read this blog as you would other user unfriendly blogs.

My First Big Break

2008-04-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

I’ll always remember the day when I finally got my first big break in life. There I was, being handed the keys to the most enormous house I’d ever seen. I felt a little awkward, not even knowing the guy who had owned this house. He must have been an old rich man who died without any close family or friends. However, I soon learned that a life of wealth is not at all as I had imagined.

The house was big, there was no disputing that, but the living conditions were not ideal. All of the rooms were packed with desks and computers. And there were all these people there telling me to clean everything up. Plus, they wouldn’t even let me move in any of my things. There was this one nice guy, though, who would drop by and give me a check every couple of weeks. So I put up with all those other things.

However, after a little while, I finally got rid of all those desks and computers and brought in my bed. And guess what—everyone was mad. Even the nice check guy stopped coming by. Well, I guess around that same time they must have somehow found a closer living relative than me, because that first man showed up again and asked for the keys back. At that moment, I knew my time as a big shot had passed.

The Future: Are We Ready?

2008-04-11T15:14:00.000-07:00

I was in my backyard digging a hole to bury a hang glider who flew into our window, when I hit something hard. I looked into the hole and discovered two objects. One was a cylindrical box; the other, a flat silver piece of metal.

The flat metal piece turned out to be the head of my shovel, which must have broken off while I was digging. I put the two objects aside and returned to my work. It slowed me down considerably having to just beat the ground with the handle. However, this turned out to be a blessing in disguise, as the hang glider came to after a couple of hours and walked off. So I ended up not having to finish digging the hole.

I was about to start filling the hole back in, when I realized that it might be nice to have an extra foxhole around, just in case. I put the handle down and examined the strange, cylindrical box. It appeared to be some sort of time capsule. It looked old and had the words “time capsule” written on the side—a clue, no doubt. After several minutes of struggling with the lid, I attempted to pull it off rather than push it harder into the box. It came off immediately. I was shocked by what happened next.

When the lid came off, I heard “you have opened the secret time capsule” in a voice that could only be described as sounding like the wind. It was me that said it, in my whispery ghost voice. I had attempted that voice many times before, but had never pulled it off quite so well as this time. And that shocked me.

My eye caught hold of a single sheet of paper lying facedown in the box. It wasn’t folded, so I wasted little time trying to unfold it. Maybe only a couple of minutes. It looked like a page torn out of a diary. In big block letters, it was entitled The Future: Are We Ready? I read it aloud. The page was short, but still too long to read in my whispery ghost voice (although that would have been a great effect).

The year is 1994. The smell is of the ocean. None of us realize that in 14 short years, the oceans will be replaced by ocean-smelling-like robots. We will dip our robot toes into the ocean and an electromagnetic signal will tell our robot brains that it feels cold and wet. “That is water,” we will say with our internet voice-over mouths. A robotic seagull will then fly over and drop a computer chip on our shoulders. “Oh great! Our new shirts (holographs) are ruined.” We put a postcard into the mailbox, which is actually a wireless scanner that e-mails the picture to our friends Tom and Stacey. We tell each other (IR beam info out of our eyes to the others’ brains) that we will always remember this time we had together at the ocean. We put our leash back on our robotic dog/microwave oven and walk to our cars and drive/digitally transport ourselves back home.

In fourteen years! That would be this year—2008. It did sound eerily similar to our world today—or at least, what our world could be like in a couple of "big" months. But something was troubling me. The author used certain words that someone from 1994 could never have understood or predicted—like Internet, wireless, and seagull. How could someone from the past have known what our life would be like or would soon be like in 2008? My first thought, of course, was that the person must have been an alien that sees all time in the present and got lost here for awhile until getting zapped back up to his ship (or her ship—but I think we all know “how things are” on other planets). But then I looked closer at the page. In the top corner was written “Planet: Earth.” It was an earthling all right. That’s exactly how one of us would have written that.

At that moment, I got distracted. I noticed an old newspaper in the bottom of the box. I started to call out Eureka, but I thought better of it and just yelled Jackpot. I quickly ran to the phone book to call a bookie (FYI—it’s pretty hard to find a bookie in the phone book. Turns out that a bookkeeper is an accountant, and the other places are all libraries). However, I found a real bookie’s number on-line. I placed a bunch of bets on the scores of some baseball games. But I think this scheme would have worked better if the sports page had been from the future instead of 1994. One of the teams I bet $1,000 on doesn’t even exist anymore. All in all, though, I lost quite a bit of money.

I had thought that digging that hole would solve all of my problems, but all it did was burden me with more questions. Who am I? Why am I here? Whose shovel is this? Hey, isn’t my house blue, like that one over there across the street?

Perhaps, it is better to wait for the future to provide us these answers—at a time when we, and the future, are ready (last part read in a whispery ghost voice).

Cool Calculator Trick

2008-04-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

I've tried this five times in a row, and it worked each time. It's amazing. Follow the instructions below precisely.

Start with your age

add your home phone number (no area code)
subtract the age you were when you realized that cats aren't the girl and dogs the boy of some generic "pet" animal
multiply by the number of the day of the month you were born on
write the word "infinity" on your hand
divide by any whole number between 5 and 7
Turn the calculator upside down
multiply by zero
add your favorite number
press the equals (=) button and turn the calculator right side up

The end result should be your favorite number. Whoah!

(this trick works on most all brand name calculators)

Feeling Bad -- a lesson learned in sympathy

2008-03-19T13:52:00.000-07:00

I feel bad. No one ever talks to Stevie–well, except for all of the kids at school. I guess it’s mostly just me that no one talks to. But, I still feel bad.

To Blog or Not to Blog

2008-03-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

I started blogging about six months ago, or should I say, blogging took over my life six months ago. When I started my blog, I never realized how many people it would affect, namely—me. I have to spend time posting things on the blog. Plus I have to create and manage a whole slew of fake accounts to post comments. The whole process is very time consuming and has affected me greatly. I now have no time for exercising, reading my mail, or putting on a belt.

Others were also affected. There were many people who asked me for favors that I forgot about because of all of this blogging. For example, Mrs. Wethers next door asked me to feed her bird while she was on vacation. That bird was the most affected of all by far.

At times I feel guilty because I am taking up so much space on the Internet. What if cyber space gets full before our little ones even learn to type? And goldfish and squirrels and other small creatures will never learn to type. That thought just makes me miserable. Maybe I want too much. I am leading two lives, a virtual web life and a non-virtual webless real life, while others have no lives—like Mrs. Wethers’ cat. Yes, now that I think of it she asked me to feed her cat, not a bird. No matter now.

This whole blogging thing has grown out of control. I used to enjoy reading my blog, but now whenever I look at it, all I see are red lines saying that I spelled something wrong. Or a green line saying fragment.

Should I stop? I wouldn’t even know how to go about it. Do I need to get something signed by the Webmaster (would a portal master do?)? Do I push one of those crazy buttons with a picture on it at the top of my keyboard? I have no idea what any of those are. I definitely do not want to push the wrong one and accidentally delete the world wide web, or even just the internet for that matter. There are still some great blogs out there that are guiding the rising generation. Blogs that provide the courage to forego college and instead become American Idol contestants, run a celebrity gossip blog, or perform other necessary duties that we depend on to keep America running.

And when it is all said and done, that is what I want. I want my blog to keep America up and running. And perhaps maybe, just maybe, that’s exactly what it has been doing. Since I’ve started my blog, America has kept all fifty or so of its states and has produced some great television shows (spin-offs of British shows). Is that just coincidence? I cannot take the risk. I will continue my blog. I will continue it for America, for great television, and in memory of Mrs. Wethers’ bird or cat.

At times the human spirit can soar to new heights

2008-02-12T12:37:00.000-08:00

Bobby looked outside at the approaching storm clouds. He quickly grabbed a sweater, put it in a bag and locked the door behind him. He took one last look at the clouds overhead and took a deep breath. He then sprinted as fast as he could to the market at the corner. As he made it to the parking lot, thunder sounded and rain poured down from the sky. Bobby quickly reached down into the bag and pulled out his sweater. He threw the sweater high into the air and watched two cowboys fire five or six shots straight into its belly. Bobby put the sweater back in the bag, nodded to the cowboys, and calmly strolled back to his house.

Insights Out

2008-02-01T13:14:00.000-08:00

Sandra didn’t have to go far to realize that she was still pretty close to where she had just left.

A wise man once told me “the unexamined life is not worth living.” I think it was Socrates. And I think he told me in a book that I had to read for some class in school.

I can do anything I set my mind to. And usually my mind is set to “hang out” mode.

Out of simple things

2008-01-24T15:22:00.000-08:00

One of the simplest things to do in the whole world is to buy a bunch of corndogs and wrap them together in a bouquet and give it to your dog for his birthday.

Trust

2008-01-21T12:37:00.000-08:00

Do not believe this: I am lying to you.

One for the Little Guy

2008-01-14T10:56:00.000-08:00

Timmy hadn’t correctly answered a question in this class, or in any class, ever. Then it happened. The teacher asked when electricity was first discovered. Timmy knew all about electricity. He did a report on it last year. Timmy’s heart pounded, as he slowly raised his hand above his head. Inch by inch he raised it, excited and scared at the same time. The teacher looked shocked as she saw Timmy’s hand. She stared blankly for a second and then called on him, almost as a question – "Timmy?" Timmy cleared his throat, looked around at the faces of the kids who mercilessly teased him and answered. “I don’t know teacher. I don’t know.” It was the only thing that Timmy didn’t remember about electricity. Timmy then sunk his head into his folded arms on his desk and sighed.

The Black Pot

2008-01-07T12:36:00.000-08:00

The black pot flew high into the air, and everyone started to freak out. Well, actually they more or less didn’t freak out, but acted normal. You would think that everyone would freak out. That’s the idea I had when I threw the black pot way up above my head. However, although some people kind of looked my way, most everyone just kept on talking and nodding to each other as they passed by. My whole plan was unraveling before me. When the black pot hit the ground, I knew it was over.

2008!

2008-01-03T14:03:00.000-08:00

That last post "An Amusing Man" was the first ever post of the year 2008 (on my blog).

And sorry for the long delay in posts leading up to today. I got stuck in traffic.

An Amusing Man

2008-01-03T13:55:00.000-08:00

I got kicked in the face today by the most amusing man. After he kicked me, he turned to me and said, “Now, what are you going to do about it?” Like there was anything I could do. I could barely even see, let alone stand up and do something. I mean the very idea that I would even attempt to do something in that state was ridiculous. What an imagination he had! Even now, as I am slouched here in the corner watching the puddle of my blood coagulate, I can’t think of a single thing that I could have done about it. He must have thought of something. Why else would he ask that? He probably had thought of a couple of things, since he had asked me which one I would choose to do. Oh, the creativity! I would trade the remaining portion of my left hand to have a creative and imaginative mind like that.

And there was something about the way he spoke that sounded inherently funny, like I had a concussion or a bleeding ear drum. It was like he was opening up his mouth and air was swirling into it as he spoke. I almost passed out from laughing and/or loss of blood.

Why did he do it? I have no idea. I don’t even know who he was. It must have been a completely spontaneous act. He was such a free spirit, full of life and enthusiastic rage. He must dance through life on a limb, breathing in the light and warmth and fear of the world around him. I, on the other hand, would never jump up and down on another’s arm. And to slap a person for “bleeding too much?” That idea would never just leap into my head; it would take some serious malicious brainstorming. But he could do it without a second thought, a hint of provocation, or the use of pepper spray, which he did use, but he really didn’t need it since I was already lying on the ground almost completely incapacitated.

This was truly a day to remember! You rarely get to meet amusing men like that more than once. They usually finish you off the first time.

It's Okay.

2007-12-13T14:40:00.000-08:00

Don't worry everything is okay. I e-mailed Teofghdhfd (teogfhdhfd@email.com) about that tag in the previous post (see "Tagged"). He said it was fine. He also said that it was one of the more "popular" tags going around. I e-mailed him back and said that I still felt strange about the questions, but then he reminded me in his response that it was he that first tagged me and not the other way around. That was true. I can't deny that. Teo (he said that I can call him that if I want) taught me something important--what it would feel like to have someone unfreeze you. Now, I'm back in the game.

What is your social security number?

I think it's 77, . . . but I'm not sure. I'll have to get back on that one. But my favorite movie is Top Gun, no wait The Naked Gun. I remember there was a gun in it or possibly a dog.

Name all of your bank accounts and their routing numbers?

I'll have to ask my wife. I'm not allowed to be "the banker" anymore (in real life or in Monopoly--long story (I cheated)).

What would you do with 100 million dollars? Or more important, what would you want done with whatever dollars you do or did have?

Well, first of all I would probably buy a million lottery tickets--for an investment. With a million tickets, I'd have a really good chance to win the million dollar jackpot. Other than that investment, I'd probably use the rest to buy some things that I've been meaning to buy but keep putting off. As far as the second part of the question -- to tell the truth, you completely lost me on that one.

Do you have a secret identity? If yes, what would it be?

This seems kind of personal (but its Goggles of Freedom Man. Tell everyone that it's me.)

What would you have put for your passwords one year ago? Five years ago? Yesterday?

See prior post labeled "Private Post." I give you permission to read it. No one else is allowed (until they tag me).

Do you press charges?

Not against my good tagging buddies. What a funny question! But yes, normally I press charges against almost every person I meet.

I now tag all of you. Fill out the above "popular" tag and send it to me. I'll make sure to forward it on to Teo (but you all should probably call him Mr. Fghdhfdh). Tagging buddies pass on info to each other--and I know that's true, because Teo told me that without me even having to ask.

Tagged!

2007-12-13T14:08:00.000-08:00

I was tagged by my new blogging buddy (teohgfhfhd) from the Philippines. This is way more fun than getting tagged in freeze tag, especially if you're tagged at the beginning and no one on your team will unfreeze you even though they are running right by you and you're shouting "Right here. I'm all clear. Unfreeze me. It's completely clear!" But they just run off.

Anyhow, thanks Teohgfhfhd for my first tag (of probably millions to come).

What is your social security number?

Name all of your bank accounts and their routing numbers?

What would you do with 100 million dollars? Or more important, what would you want someone to do with whatever dollars you do or did have?

Do you have a secret identity? If yes, what would it be?

What would you have put for your passwords one year ago? Five years ago? Yesterday?

Do you press charges?

Umm... Teohgfhdgh -- I'm feeling uncomfortable with this tag. I thought I was supposed to be asked about my favorite cereal and movie, or possibly my favorite cereal commercial that was later made into a movie--something like that. I'm not so sure about this. I'm starting to feel kind of like how I felt playing freeze tag.

Reading

2007-12-05T12:24:00.000-08:00

I love to read. Sometimes I will mute the TV and just read the subtitles for awhile. And I will just sit there reading the subtitles—until I can pretty much figure out what is going on by just watching. Then I’ll just watch. But when I get lost, there I am, reading the subtitles again. I just can’t seem to get enough reading.

Private Post

2007-11-28T13:00:00.000-08:00

Please do not read the following post. It is personal.

credit card number: 711 6504 33333 (Norman's Nursery charge card)

secret identity: Goggles of Freedom Hero Man

personal goals: levitate, read Pride and War, etc.

Knowledge is Power

2007-11-21T16:57:00.000-08:00

Why did I tell you all those things about me, you ask. Because knowledge is power my little sapling. How can this be, you then ask. It’s all quite simple.

Knowledge is power.
And power is electricity.
And electricity is lightning.
And lightning is power.
And power is a giant man with fists of lightning.

And that’s what you become when you have knowledge.

Seems pretty important now, doesn’t it?

What a lot of people don’t know about me

2007-11-20T13:39:00.000-08:00

My name. Commonly I will test this out and ask people if they have ever heard of Chad Hatfield. I have never had anyone tell me yes. This is true even in my hometown, which is actually quite small. I think that people hear less about others in small towns, because the town is small and they don’t want to talk too much or it gets pretty loud fairly quickly.

That I exist. A majority of all the people I asked if they ever heard of me didn’t respond or even look my direction. They just kept on talking on their cell phones or driving by on their way to work or wherever it is all these people need to go in such a hurry.

I can’t hover above the ground. I’m sure that most people assume this, but they don’t know. I’ve always thought it would be neat to be able to hover a foot or two above the ground, without having to be dead or anything like that.

It’s easy to write poems using my first name. At one point I sat down and made a list of over one hundred words that rhyme with my name. However, it turned out that I didn’t exactly understand what rhyming was all about. Most of the words I had just copied from a menu that was on the table in front of me. I was at a restaurant at the time I made the list. In fact I was working there as a waiter. There were more words on the menu, but I couldn’t finish writing them down before the couple had finished “ordering.” Boy, that was the largest order I ever had! But again, no tip. Anyhow, it turns out that the only words that rhyme with my name are tad (like a tad pole) and silver-bed (which I am told is actually two separate words and isn’t really a “true” rhyme anyhow--even though the last letter of each sounds exactly the same.)

My background. I was born on a small planet, not far from the sun, called Earth. There are only two planets that are closer to the sun than Earth. Those two planets are Mercury and Venus and both of these planets are pretty close to the sun. How close to the sun, we will never know, but it is sufficient to say that they are close. Although, these two planets are closer to the sun than the Earth, I’ve always kind of thought of the sun as my sun. The sun and I have always had kind of a special kinship. Whenever I stare into the sun for a long time, it seems to kind of wink at me, like hey, bud—and it will keep winking at me until I black out. When I come to, I have a horrible headache and need to lie down in the dark for the rest of the day. Even good friends get into little squabbles every now and again, I suppose. I also went to school and have a family.

ATE Week results blog

2007-11-12T10:40:00.000-08:00

Thank you to everyone who participated in ATE week. I browsed the newspaper this weekend and did not see a single headline about a bunch of homeless animals dying from bronchitis. Consider our efforts a giant success!

I have posted the winning entry below. It was pretty good. Of course, if there would have been any other entries, I assume it would have lost -- by a lot. As for the prize -- I will not e-mail a virus* to the winner for an entire month!** And now for the winning entry --

MOM: Who is going to win?
CLH: You. Nobody will join.
MOM: Oh my! I win!!
CLH: Yup. You is good.
MOM: Yup.

* at least not intentionally
** a month may mean 2 to 5 days in this context

URGENT!!!! Help needed immediately.

2007-11-09T15:36:00.000-08:00

What does this mean?!!! What does this mean?!!!

ATE week

2007-11-01T12:38:00.000-07:00

Want to get involved but don’t know how to contribute? Welcome to ATE week.

This week don’t use words that contain the letters A, T, or E. The goal is that this may somehow help benefit people with bronchitis or possibly homeless animals.

It’s so easy, even you could do it!

Example:

John: Oh. You.
Lori: Hi John.
John: Um. Hi Lori.
Lori: Whizzup?
John: Nofing.
Lori: Rock is no bill.
John: I got pink up my loins!
Lori: Sorry.
John: No fooling.
Lori: OK.
John: Good buy.
Lori: Yup. Good buy.

Try writing your own dialogue without using the letter A, T, or E and send it to chadhatfield@gmail.com. Write “ATE dialogue contest—I hope I win” in the subject line. The winning dialogue will be posted on this blog. All dialogues having the letters A, T, or E in them will be disqualified, and I will e-mail you a virus.

How else can you help homeless animals battling bronchitis? Enter today. See rules below.

Minimum 1 word to enter. Maximum 1,000 entries per household. Therefore, the minimum maximum would be 1,000 words per household. If any two entries are identical, each entry will be stamped "duplicate" which ends with "ate" and will be disqualified. Viruses for disqualification will be e-mailed within 5-10 business days. No purchase unnecessary.

Kid Projector Encore

2007-10-17T17:03:00.000-07:00

The kid projector was so successful that I thought I would try out a couple of scenarios -- just for curiosity's sake.

A lot of people requested to see the results on these two:

Would produce the following:

Don't let those two together.

Here's another:

Would produce the following child:

Not bad. He's got April's body (tied up in his basement).

And finally, the one everyone is wondering about (What's next?):

Would produce the following child:

Looks about right.

Remember to go to www.whatexactlywouldtheirkidslooklike.science.org and try out other scenarios for yourself.

Kid Projector

2007-10-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

I've been pretty anxious to see what my sisters' new baby boys are going to look like. I went to kidprojection.com and submitted pictures of the parents. They have some very sophisticated equipment that projects the appearance of the child from a photo of the parents. It cost me almost $300 for each, but I was able to get a projected picture of what the new babies will looke like. It seems to work surprisingly well.

I've posted the results below.

Jones - Parents

Jones - Baby Projection

Holt - Parents

Holt - Baby Projection

Pretty impressive, eh? Definitely worth the money.

Tip: If you try kidprojection.com yourself, make sure you submit large pictures of the parents. If you submit small pictures, the babies always end up looking like that white glove guy from the Hand Helper commercials. Other than that, it's perfect.

Complaints

2007-09-25T12:25:00.000-07:00

I’ve been receiving a lot of complaints lately that the little alligator at the top of the screen isn’t dancing when you click on it.

Well, first of all, there is no alligator on this blog. That should solve most of the confusion.
If you are still experiencing problems, try bobbing your head a little, side to side. This should make the alligator appear to be dancing. This tip will work for most all things, not just alligators.

If you have found this blog helpful, please click the dancing napkins at the bottom of the page.

Google

2007-09-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have been asking me, what is this Google I have been hearing about?

Well, simply put, Google is a computerized internet. Why is it important? Well, it used to be where you could just walk down the street and buy the internet on book. However, the internet has grown tremendously since we were allowed to just walk down the street for anything. In 1984, the internet was 993 pages long. Today, the internet is well over 1,000 pages! That’s a growth over a span of less than 25 years! As you can see, by the end of many more years, it will be almost impossible to print the internet without making a really long book. Plus, without a computerized internet, the computer would be reduced to only a computerized typewriter, and businesses who purchased advertisements on the internet will feel totally ripped off.

Can I become Google? No. This has been thoroughly researched (namely by me), and humans cannot become Google. Only computerized internets can become Google.

Okay, so if Google is a computerized internet, then what is a microphone? A microphone is a machine used to transmit and amplify sound. It is commonly referred to as the ear trumpet, and for good reason. It was invented by a man (possibly a woman) who played the trumpet, and he (or she) had ears, most likely two of them.

Is anything else called the ear trumpet? I don’t believe so. I have checked into nicknames for most all objects, except I haven't gotten to cleaning supplies, yet. So, it remains possible, although unlikely. Very few inventors play the trumpet anymore. They spend all of their time on Google.

15 things I hope I never step in (plus 6 more)

2007-09-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

1. Barf from a stuffed animal head hanging on the wall – (that stuff could be very old)
2. Hot lava that is being struck by lightning.
3. Any Royal member’s nosebleed.
4. Grass in South Dakota. (I really have no desire to go to South Dakota, no matter how nice the grass may be)
5. A nest of flying ants (oh, and it’s being babysat by a crocodile!)
6. My own throat.
7. Women’s pantyhose.
8. A vat filled with old cigar boxes--and inside each box is a biting leprechaun.
9. Remains of anyone I knew from college.
10. Waist-high pond of nothing. (especially on a hot day)
11. A noose. It would be humiliating to be hung upside down in front of the entire village
12. A box full of expensive chocolates, nails, and white dress shirts.
13. Chewing gum that turns into boiling acid when spat out.
14. A crack that breaks my mother’s back (or my back).
15. A hole in a pirate’s plank, just big enough for one foot to fall into. (you know they’re going to think you’re just stalling.)
16. Anything that is gross and can kill you really fast.
17. A Scrabble board. (“I think I remember seeing the word fhgrsplut.” “Was that your word?”
18. A portal that transports a person directly to the core of the sun.
19. Melted animals.
20. A cloud. This would probably mean I was falling out of something really high.
21. Anything that I think isn’t feces and then after I step in it, I realize that it was. And why didn’t I just walk around it anyhow?

Things that make me yawn.

2007-09-13T10:57:00.000-07:00

Boring wars.
Books on boring wars.
Movies based on books about boring wars.
Boring conflicts that never really become boring wars.
Feeling like yawning.
Trying really hard to make myself yawn.
The act of yawning.
Trying really hard to make sure the makers of the movie based on a book about a boring war see my yawn.
Trying not to fake yawn.
Anti-yawn demonstrations. (rebel at heart)
Seeing anything that makes me yawn.

Back to School Special

2007-09-07T13:12:00.000-07:00

As the school year has just started, I thought it appropriate to take a brief stroll down memory lane and recall one of my favorite high school moments.

One day we had a substitute teacher who was making us take turns reading out loud a paragraph from our textbook. I was a couple of rows away from where the reading started, so I had a moment to conspire with the kid behind me. When it was my turn to read, the student behind me leaned slightly forward and whispered the words to me. I then repeated the words out loud and moved my finger randomly around the page. At one point in the middle, I paused and whispered "What was that?" while acting like I was clearing my throat. Then the guy behind me whispered the line over again and I continued on.

The next day my real teacher called me back and asked me, "Do you have any idea why the substitute would recommend that I call you back here and have you read me something?" I responded, "Well, I think I really impressed him."

Good days.

General Observation

2007-08-28T15:38:00.000-07:00

I noticed that no one posts comments on my site like “Boy, cute kids” or “Nice pic of the Grand Canyon” like I see on a lot of other blog sites. No biggie. Just something I noticed . . . and keep noticing.

Insights Out - yes, again.

2007-08-22T13:35:00.000-07:00

I crouched silently in the bushes as Johnny slowly walked down the dark wooded path. As he turned the corner, I leapt out and scared Johnny with the news that his house had been robbed.

People say the strangest things. Like for instance, yesterday I was walking in the park minding my own business when I was approached by this great big guy with a tiny little mustache. As I turned my head and hurriedly walked passed him, I immediately thought “I bet that guy would have said something strange.”

To me a beautiful woman is like a beautiful painting of a pretty woman, but real and a little better looking.

I will never forget the time when I, as a backwards and bashful teenager, went to get my vision checked. After the doctor briefly examined my eyes, he gave me a solemn look, handed me a pair of glasses and said “you’re going to need these.”
“Yeah, those are my glasses,” I replied.
“I know,” he said defensively.
After that we just kind of sat there, and it was really awkward for awhile until I left.

I looked Timmy right in the eye and told him nothing that was real important. He responded with a normal shrug that sent shivers down my spine.

Word of the Week

2007-08-17T12:33:00.000-07:00

This week’s word of the week: week
Try using it in a sentence this week.

Example: Try using it in a sentence this week.
Illustrative Example:
Tom: “C’mon Sally, you can’t ignore me forever.”
Sally: “Try using it in a sentence this week.”
Tom: “What?”
Sally: ---
Tom: “Sally, come back home please.”

How to Delete Boring, Pointless, or Unintelligible Posts

2007-08-09T09:37:00.000-07:00

[This post has been deleted by the author.]

Choose Your Own Adventure Blog

2007-08-02T16:08:00.000-07:00

You are just words away from beginning the first ever Choose Your Own Adventure blog posting.

Page 1

You are in the middle of a long vacation on the coasts of Africa. You look through your binoculars and in the distance you see a princess being held captive by a group of renegade militia radicals. The thought crosses your mind, I can help her. And by helping her, I’ll be helping thousands of people that she protects from the oppression of these renegade militia radicals. Maybe they will let her go if I give them money. I have to do something.

However, a moment later you also have the thought, Maybe I'll just get on a plane and fly home instead. This rescuing sounds like a lot of work and I kind of have a lot to do around the house anyway.

-------> If you want to help save the princess, GO TO page 3.

-------> If you want to start making your way to home, GO TO page 11.

Then suddenly, before you can decide, you are picked off by a sniper and fall dead onto the dusty road.

Fortunately though, the lady in distress was not really a princess, but the scene you witnessed was merely a photo shoot as part of an internet scam. Also, while you were away on vacation, your house was overrun by moths and you probably couldn’t have gotten much done there anyhow. So really, how your story ended saved you some money and a lot of frustration. Well done!

------> To try your luck again, GO TO page 1.

chadslist

2007-07-10T08:46:00.000-07:00

As craigslist is getting way too overpriced and way too strict about banning people from their site who take pictures of toy cars and pass them off as real cars, I have started my own list.

Used Cheese Grater - $6.50

I bought this cheese grater for $8.00 in 2001. It just needs to be cleaned. Otherwise it is in great condition. I only used it to grate cheese or cheese-like substances.

Collectible Plate of Cookies - $18

For the Holiday collector: This is an almost complete set of "Santa cookies" from Christmas of 2005. Santa ate 1 and 1/2 cookies. The cookie in the upper left has rare Santa teeth marks. (Plate is not included. Buyer will have to provide own plate.)

WTB: Pear Painting - $10

I want to buy another painting like this one but with a bite out of the pear. I am willing to pay $10 but would prefer to pay $6-7 (as it does have a bite out of it). No apple painting solicitations please.

Goat - Free OBO

This is an older picture, but the goat is still in great shape. It now appears to look more like a black kitten. This is normal for mature "investment" goats. I will entertain all offers. No backing out, though. If you look, you take.

Light Switch - $4.00

This is a light switch in my hall. It has never been used. It came with the house, but I was given one just like it as a birthday present.

Here is a picture of the light switch in the "off" position. I haven't tinkered with this switch much, but I belive it has several positions. Reviews of this model can be read at http://www.lightswitchreviewsandgulfwarupdates.com/. You can download the user's guide and current software updates for the switch at that site as well.

Peach and Drink Set (perfect condition) - $40

Your classic peach and drink set. Never opened. The picture doesn't do it justice. You have to see to appreciate. I think the drink that comes with the set is a root beer or possibly a Sprite. Like I said, the set has never been opened, so I cannot say for sure.

Disposable Telescopic Camera Lens - $80

It fits onto almost all makes and models of cameras and works just as well as expensive alternatives (Minolta XXR lens, $600; Hubble Telescope, $70,000,000.). The lens has been used a lot. It should probably be thrown out soon, which is fine, because it is disposable. I have included an actual picture taken with this lens below.

This pic was taken from almost all the way across the room! Great investment.

Lot of Cars - Free

I bought one of those new SUVs that converts into a truck, so I don't need all of these cars anymore. Come take all you want for free. I have them parked on my neighbor's lot next door, since he never pulls his weeds or takes care of his property. The best time to come get them is probably between the hours of 3 am to 5 am (I have a crazy work schedule.) It is best if you don't make much noise, as my neighbor has the terrible habit of just firing his gun at anyone trying to remove the cars or clearing the weeds off his land, even though it's a real fire hazard. First come, first served.

Insights Out

2007-06-19T14:46:00.001-07:00

The bluffing man will bluff away your bluff, but the foolish man will tell you to hold his cards while he goes to the bathroom and then never come back.

Our drama teacher told our class, "All the world is a stage." I raised my hand and added that "In France, people would say that phrase in French." But no one seemed really impressed that I knew anything about the French or how or what things they would say.

The last thing I ever expected was for this sentence to be so boring.

Man of the Year

2007-06-19T14:32:00.000-07:00

Jim was one of those guys who would give you the shirt off his back. But he wouldn’t give you just a button off his shirt, even if you kept asking him for it. And if you reached over and tried to pull the button off, he would slap at your hand. Yes, man of the year indeed.

Brain Blog

2007-06-12T12:43:00.000-07:00

June 12 is National Brain Day*. So in celebration of the human brain and in order to educate the future brains of tomorrow, today’s post is dedicated to Gene Brain, inventor of the wax replica of the human brain*.
*Perhaps

In Celebration of the Human Brain

Science has shown that men use only 1/8th of their brain’s capacity. And one-half of that is used on retaining sports statistics. Imagine the capability for improvement. If we could somehow fuse three of these brains together, that would be almost three times the capacity! That’s a lot of stats, my friend. (We could start following hockey or soccer.)

When I think of “mind tricks,” I usually think of some mysterious older man who hypnotizes this other guy and gets his brain to roll over. Good Brain. Good Brain.

My mind will make me a lot of money some day. That is if it turns into gold or something.

My favorite thing to do with my brain is to just let it relax awhile, as I wander the halls as Bee Man, pinching everyone I pass.

Protect the Brain You Love

Eight Tips to Prevent Memory Loss
(as reproduced from the Harvard Brain Journal, June 31, 2008 A.D.)

1) Remember things.
2) Don’t forget the things that you are trying to remember.
3) Turn off the TV. Take time to watch someone read a book.
4) Train your mind to remember things that you have already forgotten.
5) Eat all of the “brain foods” that don’t actually have brains in them.
6) Don’t talk to strangers.
7) Remember to do all seven of these on at least a weekly basis.
8) Please don’t forget number 6. That could be dangerous.

There are actually sixteen tips to prevent memory loss, but somehow "sixteen tips" doesn't have the same "wow, that sounds easy!" effect that "eight tips" seems to have. So, the second eight are listed below.

If you feel yourself starting to forget about something, take a deep breath, picture a waterfall, and relax. Pretty soon you’ll wet your pants. That will make your brain associate forgetting things with wetting your pants, which your brain will try to avoid in the future at all costs.

The very moment you forget something, write it down. That way you’ll have a record of all the things you have forgotten, and in the future you won’t forget all the things that you already no longer know.

Memorize your life and everything that affects it or has affected it in anyway whatsoever.

Tell someone to learn to play a musical instrument.

Take lots of super memory pills. These pills are commonly sold at gas stations and on late night television (added bonus—they come in a two-pack with pills that make you read faster).

Uncomplicate your life. Quit your job, drop your hobbies, stop replying to people when they talk to you. You need to unclutter your mind.

Don’t stick long chopsticks in your ears, even for a funny gag that amuses everyone at the table but your lame date.

And most of all, if you feel yourself forgetting about the fifty bucks you loaned me, just let it go. The human brain can only handle so much.

Learning and Growing

2007-06-05T13:41:00.000-07:00

My first grade teacher really had a gift for making each student participate in the learning process. There was one such moment that I will never forget. Math was always hard for me, so I never raised my hand to answer a question. So one day my teacher turned to me and said, “Tell me what four plus three is, or I’ll sue you!” And I’ll tell you what, that day I answered. I was full of nervousness and fear, but then everything suddenly came together. All the jumbled numbers fell into place as I blurted out “fifty-eleven.” The kids laughed, but I grew from the experience and you know, I wasn’t so nervous the next time I had to answer, which was in court to the judge. That teacher took me for all I was worth, and I’ll never forget it.

Tuesday is Blog Day

2007-06-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

I will post on Tuesdays, unless I post on another day of the week. Then I will post on non-Tuesdays. For example, Sunday is a non-Tuesday. So is Monday through Saturday, except for Tuesday, which is not a non-Tuesday.

Why Tuesday, you ask. Because Tuesday is the one day where you really don’t have anything to look forward to. And I don’t want to change that.

If you are uncomfortable with this explanation, then please click the “comment” link below. Proceed to write your frustrations. When you are done, quickly click on the red X on the top right corner of the screen and take a moment to "chill out." If your comment had any merit, I'm sure it will end up in my e-mail account.

If you have any other questions about this, please check the frequently asked questions (FAQ) section below.

FAQ

What if today is a Thursday? Does that mean you won’t be posting a message, because you only post on Tuesdays?
That is two questions. And only the first one is frequently asked.

What if today is a Wednesday . . . does that mean you won’t be posting a message, because you only post on Tuesdays?
Good question. However, it is totally irrelevant. Wednesday is tomorrow. How could you post something tomorrow, when it hasn’t even happened yet? This is impossible, even for blogging.

Do you post on Saturdays?
No. I only post on Tuesdays and non-Tuesdays.

Is Saturday a non-Tuesday?
I do not respond to gender specific questions. Please review original post for explanation of which days are non-Tuesdays.

Today is Tuesday, June 5th. Does that mean you post only on the 5th, because the 5th are Tuesdays?
No. I reserve the right to post on non-Tuesdays, which include days other than the 5th, such as the 17th or 9th. These days are non-Tuesdays—more specifically Fridays.

Are there any days that are not Tuesdays?
No, except for non-Tuesdays, which does not include Tuesday or other days that are not non-Tuesdays.

So, Tuesday is a non-Tuesday?
Read everything already written above again. And then a third time.

How about Good Friday?
I take the day off work, but I don’t go to the parade. I may or may not post on that day, depending if it falls on a Tuesday.

What if I’m busy on Tuesday?
You are not required to be watching your computer simultaneously as I post. You can view the post later on a non-Tuesday. However, I cannot guarantee that the letters will be in Times New Roman font if viewed on a non-Tuesday (or if posted in Arial).

I guess what I mean is, what if you are busy on Tuesday?
I don’t need to review my post. I have spell checker.

How do I know if my question is listed in this FAQ section?
There’s probably no way of ever really knowing. It’s more a question of impression. It’s something you should ask yourself each day and keep between just you and your impression(s).

And by far the most frequently asked question:

Is this question frequently asked?
Yes.

Where Have All the Good Blogs Gone

2007-05-29T15:49:00.000-07:00

Hydrogen peroxide makes your eyes burn. No one ever talks about this, but it is very true and the pain is very real. How come no blogs ever mention this? Does anyone know of a blog that tells you what things you should not put in your eyes to liven up a dull social gathering? If you do, make sure they add fingernail polish remover and corn dog sticks to the list and then send me the link. I’m tired of reading blogs that don’t give me information that I can use.

Blogging for the Novice

2007-05-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

Blogging is not rocket science. When you think about it, rocket science is more like rocket science. In fact, I currently know two rocket scientists* and neither one of them blogs.

* It turns out they are rock scientists**
** Actually, I guess the proper term is rock collectors, and I don’t really know them. I
guessed the password to join their private chat room (“rocks_rock!”—it took me just
three days).

The Blame Game

2007-05-29T15:36:00.000-07:00

I hate playing the blame game. First, someone says that everything is my fault. Then I explain how everything is that person’s fault. Then everyone in the room says that’s ridiculous because it’s obviously all my fault. Then they all blame each other as to who made me run out of the room crying.

Nobody wins the blame game. At least, I never win the blame game.