Do-It-Yourself

I'm back from my long break.

Last spring I bought one of those Do-It-Yourself laser eye surgery kits. It didn't go so well.
It sounded so simple in the ad.

Well anyhow, I'm back. And I plan to be back for awhile (as long as my new Do-It-Yourself intestine unkinking kit isn't a cheap hack, too).

I can't believe that we pay money for Do-It-Yourself anything. Can you imagine asking the neighbor kid to mow your lawn and he says "do it yourself" and then you give him five bucks?
It's like tipping a waiter who tells you "hey, your food is in the kitchen" as he walks by. I think I'm just about out of the do-it-yourself game for awhile.

The only kit I would still recommend is the Do-It-Yourself manufacturing foreign currency kit. That really was a money maker.

Beware of Hoax

There’s a new product floating around the web scamming hundreds, maybe even thousands (at least one for sure). The product is Ab Creatine.

Ab Creatine claims to make your ab muscles grow big and strong fast. In reality, it’s just a $50 bottle of corn starch. My abs did get big in just a couple of weeks, but it was really fatty muscle. Buyer beware.

Forward this post to everyone you know who really needs some help with their abs. They may be the next victim.

Letter to Baby

Dear Baby,

You have your mother’s eyes. And the body of your father, but don’t worry, you’ll grow out of that.

I can see you also inherited the cold waxy complexion of your great-grandmother, and her stiff, almost unmovable joints. Wait, I’m looking at a doll. There you are. Oh yes. You’re a darling.

I can tell by the gleam in your eye that you will grow up to be a quarterback, or possibly a quarterback’s wife. Don’t you have any clothes in gender specific colors?

Years later you’ll read this letter and think, who are you to know all these things? Whoah, where did you get all that cynicism from? (Don’t say me. Odds are I’ll already be on thin ice with your parents.)

It’s hard to believe that you are already a few hours old. It seems like only yesterday, I was sitting at home watching the clock waiting for the phone call that you had arrived. But no, you were late, and I lost that bet with Uncle Mike. I guess I’m still pretty upset. I’m not sure when I will forgive you, but let’s try to keep things amicable during these rough years, until things blow over.

I want to be the first to say to you “Welcome to Earth.” It is a nice place, a safe place. Except for the people, and volcanoes. Oh yes, stay away from volcanoes (and most people).

I know that you can’t speak yet, but I can just imagine your sweet little voice saying you are sorry for being late and costing me all that money. And most important, you promise you’ll pay me back someday when you’re older.

I was going to buy you a little animal, but I didn’t. Not because of the grudge, it’s just that money I lost from the bet, remember?

You and I have a lot in common. We both just want to lie around all day and have people feed us and take care of us. Your mother is good at that. You know I lived with your folks after college while I was looking for my dream job. FYI, you’ll be asked to do some chores around the house, even if it’s “not really your thing.” But you probably won’t be asked to move out after four and a half years of not doing them.

If I had some advice for you, it would be this: Don’t let them rush you into potty training. Hang onto those diapers for as long as you can. It’s no fun having to rush to the bathroom all the time. I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep since.

You may think you have seen it all, but all you’ve really seen is the inside of this one room. There’s so much more. In fact, there’s a whole hospital out there. I’ve been wandering around room to room for the last couple of hours. I can tell you stories.

I apologize in advance if I ever wrongfully blame any smells on you. It’s just the world we live in.

I can’t wait to hold you. Or better yet, if your parents bought one of those baby cribs that rock themselves, I can’t wait to pretend that I’m rocking you in that.

I know that for awhile you will cry all the time for your parents to hold you. But soon enough you’ll be crying about your parents not wanting to let go. And then later you’ll be crying for them to let go of your wallet/purse, while your dad explains that he just needs a couple of extra bucks until his invention sells. I don’t know. Maybe that last part will be different in your family.

I like you already. Because I know you are different than the rest. You’re not going to tilt your head to the side and make that look whenever I say “What, don’t you trust me?”

I hope that in the future we will be great friends, because now you’re my best and only friend.

There, there. You get your rest now. Don’t worry; when you wake up, I’ll be right there, standing over you, wearing my funny wolfman mask.

Sweet dreams,

Your favorite uncle

Sockology

When I encounter a difficult problem, I usually treat it like I would newly washed socks. I fold up the problem and put it away in a drawer. Then later the next day when I’m calmed down, I’ll get the socks out. I’ll put them on my hands and make them attack me. When they’ve got me pinned, I’ll scream and rip the socks off and throw them into the hamper.

Most of my problems are from having too many socks.

Change of Pace

I've decided that I want to do more "smart humor."

So this philosopher was on the can . . .

bath robes

Bath robes can be used for a variety of events. Some of the more popular ones are Christmas pageants with lots of shepherds; another is conventions where people try to act like they just woke up.

Monday morning post

A good way to keep business meetings from going too long is to prepare an agenda and stick to it. Another way would be to make everyone wear a neck tie that got shorter every time the wearer spoke. As a person keeps speaking, the tie keeps shrinking its way up until it disappears and the person’s shirt falls off. Then at the end of the meeting, you take the company picture.

The Express Lane

I just do not understand grocery stores. When I read the sign “Express Lane: ten items or less,” I was under the impression that this was a lane for people in a hurry. I was clearly mistaken. This is a lane for people who cannot count.

It seemed simple enough—ten items or less. This should mean you can have ten items or any number of items that is less than ten, like four, or seven, or nine items for example. It is not ten items plus less than ten other items. I was confused. These seemed like nice educated people in line with me. Maybe they thought hand lotion, milk, orange juice, yogurt—these are all non-solids—one item.

I quickly discovered that express lanes are not fast lanes. This was not just baseless complaining. I had proof. As always, I tested my ability to pick a good line. I noted that I could have been behind that man in the red jacket, but I took the express lane, because I had only nine items (plus one item of fruits/vegetables/cans of soup). The man in the red jacket checked out. Then the two people behind him checked out. I was still reading the same magazine cover that I was when I got in my lane. I considered switching lanes. But I reminded myself that choosing a lane is like the stock market. I couldn’t worry about the ups and downs. I was in this for the long haul. No need to panic. Stay the course and all will even out. Two more people in the other lane check out. I could not read this magazine cover any longer.

I looked to the front of my line and discovered the problem. The lady at the front tells the cashier “I’m sorry I could not find the tomato soup. Can you please send someone?” Maybe that is why it an express lane. You can go straight to the line without even having to find all of your items. It is express in, but slow out.

The lady then uses a coupon. She is mystified that the cashier will not accept it, even though it is from 1994 and the store manager explains that the store offering the coupon went out of business and this is now a different store.

Finally the lady decides to write a check. She hands it to the teenage check-out girl. This girl has never seen a check before. She has no idea what it is. She holds it up to the light. “I’m sorry Ma’am, but this is not a real $98.41 bill.”

The lady does not hear this, though. She is still frantically rummaging through her purse for her rewards card. Rewards cards are another thing tough to figure out. Special discount rates for reward card holders. All of my experiences with rewards cards go like this:

“Do you have a rewards card?”

“No.”

“Do you want to sign up for a free one now?”

“Sure.”

Then the next time I come to the store.

“Do you have a rewards card?”

“Yes, but I forgot it at home.”

“That’s okay. Just tell me your telephone number.”

I give my home number.

“I’m sorry that number is not in our system.”

I give my cell number.

“I’m sorry. That’s not in the system.”

“It’s probably my wife’s cell number. Hmmm. I have it on speed dial on my phone, but I forgot it in the car. I think it has a lot of fours and sevens.”

“Don’t worry. It’s okay. I’ll just scan my little card here.”

It’s like the world’s easiest test. All answers are accepted. It seems to qualify for the special rewards card rate all you have to do is be in the store and manage to find a checkout lane. Let’s save everyone some time and just do away with the test.

At least in the express lane, they should limit each customer to only two guesses at the phone number on their account. That would help a little.

Practice Makes Perfect

Johnny bragged that he could hold his breath for a long time. “How long?,” asked the other children. I can hold it until the bell rings. “Oh, no! Don’t even try,” plead the children. But Johnny did try—and he failed. “Give me another shot,” Johnny asked. But again he failed. “One more try,” Johnny asked. This time he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and the bell rang immediately. "He did it! He did it!," the children sang. The third time Johnny did it easily. Practice does make perfect.

Topic: Solid Financial Planning in Tough Times and Weight Loss

If you want to lose weight, instead of getting a liposuction, go for a C-section. You lose weight with both, but with the C-section, you get a kid for free.

How to scare a scare crow

One of the hardest things ever to do is scare a scare crow. I tried dressing up like fire, but I was burned too badly by the time I got to the cornfield to do anything. But he could probably hear my screaming from a distance and that probably at least unsettled him a little.

Cash Prize Poll - Sponsored by FTWNAFBP

Please take the poll located at the right of the page. Fortunetellers of Western North America for Big Profits (or "FTWNAFBP") is offering high payouts for those found to be "touched by the rainbow's wisdom." If you select the right answer, you may win up to $5,000.* There is no cost to enter--unless you pay me of course, which I would be glad to accept if you need a tax write off (won't work) or less money in your bank account for some reason. Please do not delay. This offer will not last long (if it even exists at all).


*Cash prize is conditioned upon you independently buying your own scratch lotto ticket and winning. Odds of winning vary by each ticket as do cash prizes--thus the prize is stated as "up to" $5,000. If you buy a scratch ticket offering prizes of over $5,000, then it is possible to win more than $5,000. Again, this is only if you win, and you must buy your own ticket. Do not send me used scratch shavings.

2009 Goals

I thought it would be a clever idea to make 2,009 goals for the year 2009. However, I started to lose steam before I even reached 1,000. So, here are my goals for this upcoming year.

1. Invent the computer.
2. Talk to an astronaut, and not just on a prank call.
3. Defeat the rainbow, once and for all.
4. Learn French but never use it.
5. Tie a new kind of knot each day of the year.
6. Learn how to untie at least some of the knots.
7. Go on a strict "No Food or Drink" diet for over 1,000 hours. (this equates to around 3 hours a day, which I plan on doing from 2 - 5 a.m.
8. Go river rafting on the Sudan.
9. Memorize an entire book (Where's Waldo, Volume IV.)
10. Somehow save lots of money by eating left handed.
11. Don't blow all of the money I made by inventing the computer.
12. Stop wasting money on buying soda, gas, and reptile cages.
13. No T.V. on Labor Day.
14. Lose 35 or 3 pounds, whichever comes first.
15. Give away two phony scholarships.
16. Make a volcano go off.
17. Videotape a monkey performing surgery.
18. Buy a healthcare.
19. Never quit on any of my goals unless they get pretty hard (or boring, or I lose the list).
20. Sip lemonade at the tennis club with all the bigshots without crying because it's so sour.
21. Write a book (in the sand with a stick on a beach somewhere warm).
22. Sue anyone who says they invented the computer.

May all your goals magically come true this year.

Santa Tracking Report

The latest report just came in. Santa ran into a little weather situation (mini tsunami) and is still flying over Indonesia.

The odds of him making it farther west than England is pretty grim.

Children in the Americas should be informed that although Christmas may be fruitless, all indicators are pointing to a big Easter.

More updates as they come in.

How to Land a Dream Job in a Down Economy

How to Land the Job of Your Dreams: The ultimate and fail safe job interview helps that are guaranteed to land you the job of your choice.


Rule number one: Always start by stating that you went to Harvard. That is impressive and will be your “in.”

Once you have your “in,” tell the interviewer something interesting about yourself, but avoid any funny stories of things you have done that may be considered “criminal activity.” If you cannot think of something interesting about yourself, think about something interesting that someone you know has done. (After all, we influence the people we know, so it is really more of a team effort.) For example, you may say “I was the first man to walk on the moon.” We all know who Neil Armstrong is, so no harm done. Plus, this is also impressive. Now you have two “ins.”

With two “ins”, it is pretty hard not to get the job. At this point, you are just trying not to blow it. Stay away from explosive topics like war, politics, religion, and especially political religious wars. Instead, try asking a few questions about the interviewer’s love life. You want to make things personal. The interviewer may act hesitant at first, but keep prodding. This is all part of the test. Keep the payoff in sight. If you develop a connection with the person, you will have sealed the deal. If you do not feel that immediate connection, try throwing in a few statements like “My favorite color is the same as yours.” Or “If you had your own business, I would definitely want to work there . . . forever . . . and ever . . . and ever . . . and ever. Continue the “and evers” until the interviewer breaks away from your piercing eye contact, even if this takes several minutes. He needs to know that you are sincere—to the grave and beyond sincere.

At this stage, the interviewer will probably go through a series of questions as a formality. Be prepared to answer questions about why all the phone numbers for your references are disconnected or no longer in use.

When asked about your prior work experience, be descriptive and use bold action verbs. Do not say “I babysat during the summer.” Instead, say “I engineered and developed state-of-the-art technology as regional director of the research and development department.” Such language will pique the interviewer’s interest. Employers want people with transferable skills. They are not looking for someone to babysit (unless it is a child care center—that is the only exception), they want someone to engineer and develop. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard employers say that.

Also, don’t wait too long to ask if the employer believes in some of the illnesses you think you may have. This would also be the time to ask detailed questions about the number of security cameras and guards they keep around the office. It is important to show interest in their business.

And most important, be prepared for anything. Bring a can of mace, a magic deck of cards, a jump rope, monopoly money, anything that might get you out of a tough question.

And finally, for a nice finishing touch to the interview, hand the interviewer a thank you card and ask him to write his name and his company’s name in the blanks. (You do not want to risk misspelling the names. It may give the impression that you are not thoughtful.) When he is done, ask to borrow a stamp, and then leave the thank you card on his desk. (This way, even if you do not get the job—hey, free stamp!)

Remember proper etiquette is to wait at least five minutes before calling to see if you got the job and to ask if you can get that first pay check advanced.

Enjoy many happy years in the job of your dreams.

Editor position available

If anyone would like to be an associate editor for this blog, please e-mail me a one word resume.

Please do not send anything longer than one word. I have a very old computer.

Concession Post

Recently there has been a lot of buzz around the Internet about when I am going to update my newly transformed political blog. Obviously, that last post was less about politics than it was about Thanksgiving (or pilgrim chemicals or whatever it was about—I really couldn’t follow it). If you want to know the truth about the political blog—I had to shut it down.

It is with deep regret that I inform you that my political blog is no more. It turns out that what I considered “not bad,” many others with a background in politics considered “very, very bad, in a monumental way.”

Recent reports indicate that my one day of political blogging was the nation’s biggest disaster since the Fredericks Fiasco and more than likely caused the nation’s economic downturn. (For the novice, the Frederick’s Fiasco was when we elected Mr. Fredericks, who we later discovered was a scarecrow and then had to elect a new president right away. Actually, that may have been a cartoon. No matter now.)

The day after my political post, 15,700 people requested to have their citizenship revoked and moved to Canada (could anything really be that serious?). Experts claim it is linked to my blog, but I have my own theory (My theory involves a bunch of people, maybe 15,700 or so, who wanted their Citizen brand watches refurbished and also happened to be terrible typists.)

Over 600 legal immigrants pretended to have fraudulent social security numbers and voluntarily turned themselves in. Each handed the authorities a confession in feigned broken English citing to my website.

Additionally, almost 37% of those signed up to take the US Citizenship test no-showed. Again, everyone is blaming that on my blog, but I’ve yet to read any compelling evidence. (I’ve thrown all of the reports they sent straight into the garbage.)

So, I’ll go back to writing about highlighters, wind chimes, second-hand kung-fu moves, and other topics that affect people’s lives on a more meaningful and day-to-day level than mere politics. Besides, I really couldn’t think of any more ideas. I pretty much covered all I knew about politics in that one post.

This may come to a great surprise to anyone who has ever attended a social gathering with me, but I actually do not follow politics as closely as you probably supposed. Pretty much all I do at those gatherings is go up to people talking politics and throw in a couple of rehearsed phrases. I’ve found the following to work well in most all situations:

• “Our entire system is constitutionally constipated!” (throw down napkin and storm off)
• “Recount! Recount!” (can be repeated numerous times for great comedic effect)
• “typical intellectual mannequins” (said with a disgusted face)
• “Show me a candidate who will dye their green roots red, white, and blue, and I’ll bake him a presidential cake faster than you can say Secretary of State.” (force a tear, or if you’re no actor, gently poke your eye with a toothpick beforehand.)

I just throw those out at random. People really in those discussions are usually smart enough to somehow abstract something intellectually coherent out of the phrase. Man, they are really smart. I really should have had them write on my blog. Oh well, that ship has sunk.

So, Goodbye politics. I wish I could have gotten to know you a little better. I’ll try studying up again in 2012 on the drive over to the voting booths.

And lastly, to all of you who depended on my blog for your political insight these past few months (or one day, if you want to be technical), I wish you the best. As they say in politics (or in any situation really), “see ya’ around.”

A Trytophanian Thanksgiving

Trytophan—an el camino acid found in turkey that purportedly makes people tired.

Scientists have repeatedly asserted that the drowsiness frequently experienced on Thanksgiving can be attributed to the eating of a big meal and not specifically to eating turkey. Still there are some who continue to believe that eating turkey makes you tired. (See wikopedia – trytophaniacs). I’m with them. It’s true. I’ve experienced it. I offer a summary of my day’s happenings as living proof.

This morning I was in bed dreaming about turkeys, and I didn’t fully wake up until all the cleaning around the house was done and the real turkey was prepared and in the oven.

And then the smell of the turkey cooking made me so tired that I couldn’t even help set the table and prepare the side dishes that I insisted that no one else make but me. (I found a secret recipe on the back of an instant mashed potatoes box. Hint—add extra butter.)

I took one look at the giant Turkey balloon in the parade, and my eyes instantly glazed over and I couldn’t hear a single word of the things people were asking me to do, especially about vacuuming the living room or answering the door. You’d think by the way she went on that Aunt Gilda had never waited out in the freezing rain for ten minutes before.

Then came actually eating the turkey. I was so sleepy during the meal that there was no way I could fight back the belching—let alone say “excuse me Pilgrim,” as is the custom of the day.

Then after the turkey dinner, I barely had enough energy to ask someone to bring me a turkey sandwich, while I sprawled out on the couch watching the game. Truth be told, I couldn’t even stand up when my team scored a touchdown. I had to just raise my two hands above my head, then fold them back behind my head. I was asleep by the time the extra point went through.

I probably should not have had that last turkey sandwich. My drowsiness got so bad that I could not even control what I was saying or doing. There’s no way that I normally would have kept asking Aunt Gilda to loan my thirty-five dollars. And I certainly wouldn’t have slipped her a note that read: put the cash in my pie or a Pilgrim gets it. I had ancestors who were Pilgrims (or maybe it was pilferers—whichever is the one where they were the big hats with buckles on them and steal packs of gum from stores).

I was so tired from all that turkey that there was no way I could help with the dishes or even tell anyone that I had put my dirty plate under the couch because I was too sleepy to take it to the sink. It took all my energy to keep yelling to my wife from the kitchen to come join me and I would do the dishes later. Although, I think that last part was the turkey talking. I meant to say the dishes would get done later.

I usually stay too sleepy to help with the dishes for several months.

At one point my mother pulled me aside and said she needed to talk to me about something really important. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she drew me close. I could smell the turkey on her breath, and I was asleep by the time she could control her tears enough to start talking.

When saying goodbye to all of our guests I would have loved to have zipped up my fly, which I just noticed was down, but by then I was totally exhausted. All I could muster to do was give a half wave and mumble “gobble gobble.”

I didn’t even have the ambition to tell them to come again sometime or even to give Uncle John his coat back—even after he asked for it a couple of times. Give it a rest John. Man, give that guy some more turkey.

Before dozing off for my third nap, I thought about all the pilgrims and why they were so set on eating turkey all the time. Were they having trouble sleeping? Did they want their Native American guests to do the dishes? Was that really “so rude and embarrassing?”

Before crashing for the evening, I complained to my wife about the effects of all this turkey on my system. She said that she didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary in my behavior today. I guess maybe she wasn’t quite as sharp as usual; she did have a little turkey herself.

Well, when all is said and done, maybe I still haven’t convinced you of the effects of tryptophan. But at least, I can leave you all with this—the pilgrim’s Thanksgiving prayer:

A happy turkey to all, and to all a good gizzard. Gobble, gobble. Amen.

I've Gone Political

I do not often delve into politics on this blog, but only because I don't know who any of the people are or take the time to find out what the issues are, not because I don't care.

In fact, I have had some really amazing experiences with the political process, even as recently as last week. When I went into the voting booth, a strong emotion swept over me as I realized something--I was in a telephone booth. It had been so long since I had seen one of them, I had forgotten what they looked like and got confused. It turns out that our state does mail in votes only. (The emotion that swept over me was embarrassment, which is somehow easy to mistake with voter's pride.)

By the way, I did end up filling out my ballot and mailed it overnight priority mail to that telephone booth. And that time, there was no mistaking the voter's pride of knowing that my vote counted.

So with that being said, I've elected to turn this blog into a political forum. Relax. I know what you're thinking. What's a white house? There's an "n" in government? You'll catch on. Thirty percent of the populus does. So please, E. pluribus your unum and be prepared to be moved politically.

History in the Making

We have recently witnessed an historic election--the first African American to be elected as president. I think we all share the feeling that a barrier has been broken. This is almost as big as when George W. Bush was elected president. That was the first time that a father and a son had both been elected President of the United States.

I remember after that election sitting in my room thinking. I sat there imagining all the young men, who upon their fathers being sworn into office must have thought, "well, so much for me being president." They never conceived that they would have a chance.

And why would they? It had never been done before. There were probably tens of young men throughout our country's history who feared for their parents going into politics, afraid that the oval office door would be closed on their future. From the first son of George Washington, a history of sons being shunned was shattered by George Jr.'s election.

As I was back then, I again am reminded of what a great place America is. It truly is the land of opportunity. -- Obama's daughter in 2032. Let's make history again.