Google

A lot of people have been asking me, what is this Google I have been hearing about?

Well, simply put, Google is a computerized internet. Why is it important? Well, it used to be where you could just walk down the street and buy the internet on book. However, the internet has grown tremendously since we were allowed to just walk down the street for anything. In 1984, the internet was 993 pages long. Today, the internet is well over 1,000 pages! That’s a growth over a span of less than 25 years! As you can see, by the end of many more years, it will be almost impossible to print the internet without making a really long book. Plus, without a computerized internet, the computer would be reduced to only a computerized typewriter, and businesses who purchased advertisements on the internet will feel totally ripped off.

Can I become Google? No. This has been thoroughly researched (namely by me), and humans cannot become Google. Only computerized internets can become Google.

Okay, so if Google is a computerized internet, then what is a microphone? A microphone is a machine used to transmit and amplify sound. It is commonly referred to as the ear trumpet, and for good reason. It was invented by a man (possibly a woman) who played the trumpet, and he (or she) had ears, most likely two of them.

Is anything else called the ear trumpet? I don’t believe so. I have checked into nicknames for most all objects, except I haven't gotten to cleaning supplies, yet. So, it remains possible, although unlikely. Very few inventors play the trumpet anymore. They spend all of their time on Google.

15 things I hope I never step in (plus 6 more)

1. Barf from a stuffed animal head hanging on the wall – (that stuff could be very old)
2. Hot lava that is being struck by lightning.
3. Any Royal member’s nosebleed.
4. Grass in South Dakota. (I really have no desire to go to South Dakota, no matter how nice the grass may be)
5. A nest of flying ants (oh, and it’s being babysat by a crocodile!)
6. My own throat.
7. Women’s pantyhose.
8. A vat filled with old cigar boxes--and inside each box is a biting leprechaun.
9. Remains of anyone I knew from college.
10. Waist-high pond of nothing. (especially on a hot day)
11. A noose. It would be humiliating to be hung upside down in front of the entire village
12. A box full of expensive chocolates, nails, and white dress shirts.
13. Chewing gum that turns into boiling acid when spat out.
14. A crack that breaks my mother’s back (or my back).
15. A hole in a pirate’s plank, just big enough for one foot to fall into. (you know they’re going to think you’re just stalling.)
16. Anything that is gross and can kill you really fast.
17. A Scrabble board. (“I think I remember seeing the word fhgrsplut.” “Was that your word?”
18. A portal that transports a person directly to the core of the sun.
19. Melted animals.
20. A cloud. This would probably mean I was falling out of something really high.
21. Anything that I think isn’t feces and then after I step in it, I realize that it was. And why didn’t I just walk around it anyhow?

Things that make me yawn.

• Boring wars.
• Books on boring wars.
• Movies based on books about boring wars.
• Boring conflicts that never really become boring wars.
• Feeling like yawning.
• Trying really hard to make myself yawn.
• The act of yawning.
• Trying really hard to make sure the makers of the movie based on a book about a boring war see my yawn.
• Trying not to fake yawn.
• Anti-yawn demonstrations. (rebel at heart)
• Seeing anything that makes me yawn.

Back to School Special

As the school year has just started, I thought it appropriate to take a brief stroll down memory lane and recall one of my favorite high school moments.

One day we had a substitute teacher who was making us take turns reading out loud a paragraph from our textbook. I was a couple of rows away from where the reading started, so I had a moment to conspire with the kid behind me. When it was my turn to read, the student behind me leaned slightly forward and whispered the words to me. I then repeated the words out loud and moved my finger randomly around the page. At one point in the middle, I paused and whispered "What was that?" while acting like I was clearing my throat. Then the guy behind me whispered the line over again and I continued on.

The next day my real teacher called me back and asked me, "Do you have any idea why the substitute would recommend that I call you back here and have you read me something?" I responded, "Well, I think I really impressed him."

Good days.

General Observation

I noticed that no one posts comments on my site like “Boy, cute kids” or “Nice pic of the Grand Canyon” like I see on a lot of other blog sites. No biggie. Just something I noticed . . . and keep noticing.

Insights Out - yes, again.

I crouched silently in the bushes as Johnny slowly walked down the dark wooded path. As he turned the corner, I leapt out and scared Johnny with the news that his house had been robbed.

People say the strangest things. Like for instance, yesterday I was walking in the park minding my own business when I was approached by this great big guy with a tiny little mustache. As I turned my head and hurriedly walked passed him, I immediately thought “I bet that guy would have said something strange.”

To me a beautiful woman is like a beautiful painting of a pretty woman, but real and a little better looking.

I will never forget the time when I, as a backwards and bashful teenager, went to get my vision checked. After the doctor briefly examined my eyes, he gave me a solemn look, handed me a pair of glasses and said “you’re going to need these.”
“Yeah, those are my glasses,” I replied.
“I know,” he said defensively.
After that we just kind of sat there, and it was really awkward for awhile until I left.

I looked Timmy right in the eye and told him nothing that was real important. He responded with a normal shrug that sent shivers down my spine.

Word of the Week

This week’s word of the week: week
Try using it in a sentence this week.

Example: Try using it in a sentence this week.
Illustrative Example:
Tom: “C’mon Sally, you can’t ignore me forever.”
Sally: “Try using it in a sentence this week.”
Tom: “What?”
Sally: ---
Tom: “Sally, come back home please.”

How to Delete Boring, Pointless, or Unintelligible Posts

[This post has been deleted by the author.]

Choose Your Own Adventure Blog

You are just words away from beginning the first ever Choose Your Own Adventure blog posting.

Page 1

You are in the middle of a long vacation on the coasts of Africa. You look through your binoculars and in the distance you see a princess being held captive by a group of renegade militia radicals. The thought crosses your mind, I can help her. And by helping her, I’ll be helping thousands of people that she protects from the oppression of these renegade militia radicals. Maybe they will let her go if I give them money. I have to do something.

However, a moment later you also have the thought, Maybe I'll just get on a plane and fly home instead. This rescuing sounds like a lot of work and I kind of have a lot to do around the house anyway.

-------> If you want to help save the princess, GO TO page 3.

-------> If you want to start making your way to home, GO TO page 11.


Then suddenly, before you can decide, you are picked off by a sniper and fall dead onto the dusty road.

Fortunately though, the lady in distress was not really a princess, but the scene you witnessed was merely a photo shoot as part of an internet scam. Also, while you were away on vacation, your house was overrun by moths and you probably couldn’t have gotten much done there anyhow. So really, how your story ended saved you some money and a lot of frustration. Well done!

------> To try your luck again, GO TO page 1.

chadslist

As craigslist is getting way too overpriced and way too strict about banning people from their site who take pictures of toy cars and pass them off as real cars, I have started my own list.


Used Cheese Grater - $6.50

I bought this cheese grater for $8.00 in 2001. It just needs to be cleaned. Otherwise it is in great condition. I only used it to grate cheese or cheese-like substances.



Collectible Plate of Cookies - $18

For the Holiday collector: This is an almost complete set of "Santa cookies" from Christmas of 2005. Santa ate 1 and 1/2 cookies. The cookie in the upper left has rare Santa teeth marks. (Plate is not included. Buyer will have to provide own plate.)

WTB: Pear Painting - $10

I want to buy another painting like this one but with a bite out of the pear. I am willing to pay $10 but would prefer to pay $6-7 (as it does have a bite out of it). No apple painting solicitations please.

Goat - Free OBO

This is an older picture, but the goat is still in great shape. It now appears to look more like a black kitten. This is normal for mature "investment" goats. I will entertain all offers. No backing out, though. If you look, you take.



Light Switch - $4.00

This is a light switch in my hall. It has never been used. It came with the house, but I was given one just like it as a birthday present.

Here is a picture of the light switch in the "off" position. I haven't tinkered with this switch much, but I belive it has several positions. Reviews of this model can be read at http://www.lightswitchreviewsandgulfwarupdates.com/. You can download the user's guide and current software updates for the switch at that site as well.



Peach and Drink Set (perfect condition) - $40

Your classic peach and drink set. Never opened. The picture doesn't do it justice. You have to see to appreciate. I think the drink that comes with the set is a root beer or possibly a Sprite. Like I said, the set has never been opened, so I cannot say for sure.



Disposable Telescopic Camera Lens - $80

It fits onto almost all makes and models of cameras and works just as well as expensive alternatives (Minolta XXR lens, $600; Hubble Telescope, $70,000,000.). The lens has been used a lot. It should probably be thrown out soon, which is fine, because it is disposable. I have included an actual picture taken with this lens below.

This pic was taken from almost all the way across the room! Great investment.

Lot of Cars - Free

I bought one of those new SUVs that converts into a truck, so I don't need all of these cars anymore. Come take all you want for free. I have them parked on my neighbor's lot next door, since he never pulls his weeds or takes care of his property. The best time to come get them is probably between the hours of 3 am to 5 am (I have a crazy work schedule.) It is best if you don't make much noise, as my neighbor has the terrible habit of just firing his gun at anyone trying to remove the cars or clearing the weeds off his land, even though it's a real fire hazard. First come, first served.

Insights Out

The bluffing man will bluff away your bluff, but the foolish man will tell you to hold his cards while he goes to the bathroom and then never come back.

Our drama teacher told our class, "All the world is a stage." I raised my hand and added that "In France, people would say that phrase in French." But no one seemed really impressed that I knew anything about the French or how or what things they would say.

The last thing I ever expected was for this sentence to be so boring.

Man of the Year

Jim was one of those guys who would give you the shirt off his back. But he wouldn’t give you just a button off his shirt, even if you kept asking him for it. And if you reached over and tried to pull the button off, he would slap at your hand. Yes, man of the year indeed.

Brain Blog

June 12 is National Brain Day*. So in celebration of the human brain and in order to educate the future brains of tomorrow, today’s post is dedicated to Gene Brain, inventor of the wax replica of the human brain*.
*Perhaps

In Celebration of the Human Brain

Science has shown that men use only 1/8th of their brain’s capacity. And one-half of that is used on retaining sports statistics. Imagine the capability for improvement. If we could somehow fuse three of these brains together, that would be almost three times the capacity! That’s a lot of stats, my friend. (We could start following hockey or soccer.)

When I think of “mind tricks,” I usually think of some mysterious older man who hypnotizes this other guy and gets his brain to roll over. Good Brain. Good Brain.

My mind will make me a lot of money some day. That is if it turns into gold or something.

My favorite thing to do with my brain is to just let it relax awhile, as I wander the halls as Bee Man, pinching everyone I pass.


Protect the Brain You Love

Eight Tips to Prevent Memory Loss
(as reproduced from the Harvard Brain Journal, June 31, 2008 A.D.)

1) Remember things.
2) Don’t forget the things that you are trying to remember.
3) Turn off the TV. Take time to watch someone read a book.
4) Train your mind to remember things that you have already forgotten.
5) Eat all of the “brain foods” that don’t actually have brains in them.
6) Don’t talk to strangers.
7) Remember to do all seven of these on at least a weekly basis.
8) Please don’t forget number 6. That could be dangerous.

There are actually sixteen tips to prevent memory loss, but somehow "sixteen tips" doesn't have the same "wow, that sounds easy!" effect that "eight tips" seems to have. So, the second eight are listed below.

If you feel yourself starting to forget about something, take a deep breath, picture a waterfall, and relax. Pretty soon you’ll wet your pants. That will make your brain associate forgetting things with wetting your pants, which your brain will try to avoid in the future at all costs.

The very moment you forget something, write it down. That way you’ll have a record of all the things you have forgotten, and in the future you won’t forget all the things that you already no longer know.

Memorize your life and everything that affects it or has affected it in anyway whatsoever.

Tell someone to learn to play a musical instrument.

Take lots of super memory pills. These pills are commonly sold at gas stations and on late night television (added bonus—they come in a two-pack with pills that make you read faster).

Uncomplicate your life. Quit your job, drop your hobbies, stop replying to people when they talk to you. You need to unclutter your mind.

Don’t stick long chopsticks in your ears, even for a funny gag that amuses everyone at the table but your lame date.

And most of all, if you feel yourself forgetting about the fifty bucks you loaned me, just let it go. The human brain can only handle so much.

Learning and Growing

My first grade teacher really had a gift for making each student participate in the learning process. There was one such moment that I will never forget. Math was always hard for me, so I never raised my hand to answer a question. So one day my teacher turned to me and said, “Tell me what four plus three is, or I’ll sue you!” And I’ll tell you what, that day I answered. I was full of nervousness and fear, but then everything suddenly came together. All the jumbled numbers fell into place as I blurted out “fifty-eleven.” The kids laughed, but I grew from the experience and you know, I wasn’t so nervous the next time I had to answer, which was in court to the judge. That teacher took me for all I was worth, and I’ll never forget it.

Tuesday is Blog Day

I will post on Tuesdays, unless I post on another day of the week. Then I will post on non-Tuesdays. For example, Sunday is a non-Tuesday. So is Monday through Saturday, except for Tuesday, which is not a non-Tuesday.

Why Tuesday, you ask. Because Tuesday is the one day where you really don’t have anything to look forward to. And I don’t want to change that.

If you are uncomfortable with this explanation, then please click the “comment” link below. Proceed to write your frustrations. When you are done, quickly click on the red X on the top right corner of the screen and take a moment to "chill out." If your comment had any merit, I'm sure it will end up in my e-mail account.

If you have any other questions about this, please check the frequently asked questions (FAQ) section below.


FAQ

What if today is a Thursday? Does that mean you won’t be posting a message, because you only post on Tuesdays?
That is two questions. And only the first one is frequently asked.

What if today is a Wednesday . . . does that mean you won’t be posting a message, because you only post on Tuesdays?
Good question. However, it is totally irrelevant. Wednesday is tomorrow. How could you post something tomorrow, when it hasn’t even happened yet? This is impossible, even for blogging.

Do you post on Saturdays?
No. I only post on Tuesdays and non-Tuesdays.

Is Saturday a non-Tuesday?
I do not respond to gender specific questions. Please review original post for explanation of which days are non-Tuesdays.

Today is Tuesday, June 5th. Does that mean you post only on the 5th, because the 5th are Tuesdays?
No. I reserve the right to post on non-Tuesdays, which include days other than the 5th, such as the 17th or 9th. These days are non-Tuesdays—more specifically Fridays.

Are there any days that are not Tuesdays?
No, except for non-Tuesdays, which does not include Tuesday or other days that are not non-Tuesdays.

So, Tuesday is a non-Tuesday?
Read everything already written above again. And then a third time.

How about Good Friday?
I take the day off work, but I don’t go to the parade. I may or may not post on that day, depending if it falls on a Tuesday.

What if I’m busy on Tuesday?
You are not required to be watching your computer simultaneously as I post. You can view the post later on a non-Tuesday. However, I cannot guarantee that the letters will be in Times New Roman font if viewed on a non-Tuesday (or if posted in Arial).

I guess what I mean is, what if you are busy on Tuesday?
I don’t need to review my post. I have spell checker.

How do I know if my question is listed in this FAQ section?
There’s probably no way of ever really knowing. It’s more a question of impression. It’s something you should ask yourself each day and keep between just you and your impression(s).

And by far the most frequently asked question:

Is this question frequently asked?
Yes.