URGENT!!!! Help needed immediately.

What does this mean?!!! What does this mean?!!!

ATE week

Want to get involved but don’t know how to contribute? Welcome to ATE week.

This week don’t use words that contain the letters A, T, or E. The goal is that this may somehow help benefit people with bronchitis or possibly homeless animals.

It’s so easy, even you could do it!

Example:

John: Oh. You.
Lori: Hi John.
John: Um. Hi Lori.
Lori: Whizzup?
John: Nofing.
Lori: Rock is no bill.
John: I got pink up my loins!
Lori: Sorry.
John: No fooling.
Lori: OK.
John: Good buy.
Lori: Yup. Good buy.

Try writing your own dialogue without using the letter A, T, or E and send it to chadhatfield@gmail.com. Write “ATE dialogue contest—I hope I win” in the subject line. The winning dialogue will be posted on this blog. All dialogues having the letters A, T, or E in them will be disqualified, and I will e-mail you a virus.

How else can you help homeless animals battling bronchitis? Enter today. See rules below.

Minimum 1 word to enter. Maximum 1,000 entries per household. Therefore, the minimum maximum would be 1,000 words per household. If any two entries are identical, each entry will be stamped "duplicate" which ends with "ate" and will be disqualified. Viruses for disqualification will be e-mailed within 5-10 business days. No purchase unnecessary.

Kid Projector Encore

The kid projector was so successful that I thought I would try out a couple of scenarios -- just for curiosity's sake.

A lot of people requested to see the results on these two:

Would produce the following:

Don't let those two together.

Here's another:

Would produce the following child:

Not bad. He's got April's body (tied up in his basement).

And finally, the one everyone is wondering about (What's next?):

Would produce the following child:

Looks about right.

Remember to go to www.whatexactlywouldtheirkidslooklike.science.org and try out other scenarios for yourself.

Kid Projector

I've been pretty anxious to see what my sisters' new baby boys are going to look like. I went to kidprojection.com and submitted pictures of the parents. They have some very sophisticated equipment that projects the appearance of the child from a photo of the parents. It cost me almost $300 for each, but I was able to get a projected picture of what the new babies will looke like. It seems to work surprisingly well.



I've posted the results below.





Jones - Parents











Jones - Baby Projection












Holt - Parents

Holt - Baby Projection

Pretty impressive, eh? Definitely worth the money.

Tip: If you try kidprojection.com yourself, make sure you submit large pictures of the parents. If you submit small pictures, the babies always end up looking like that white glove guy from the Hand Helper commercials. Other than that, it's perfect.

Complaints

I’ve been receiving a lot of complaints lately that the little alligator at the top of the screen isn’t dancing when you click on it.

Well, first of all, there is no alligator on this blog. That should solve most of the confusion.
If you are still experiencing problems, try bobbing your head a little, side to side. This should make the alligator appear to be dancing. This tip will work for most all things, not just alligators.

If you have found this blog helpful, please click the dancing napkins at the bottom of the page.

Google

A lot of people have been asking me, what is this Google I have been hearing about?

Well, simply put, Google is a computerized internet. Why is it important? Well, it used to be where you could just walk down the street and buy the internet on book. However, the internet has grown tremendously since we were allowed to just walk down the street for anything. In 1984, the internet was 993 pages long. Today, the internet is well over 1,000 pages! That’s a growth over a span of less than 25 years! As you can see, by the end of many more years, it will be almost impossible to print the internet without making a really long book. Plus, without a computerized internet, the computer would be reduced to only a computerized typewriter, and businesses who purchased advertisements on the internet will feel totally ripped off.

Can I become Google? No. This has been thoroughly researched (namely by me), and humans cannot become Google. Only computerized internets can become Google.

Okay, so if Google is a computerized internet, then what is a microphone? A microphone is a machine used to transmit and amplify sound. It is commonly referred to as the ear trumpet, and for good reason. It was invented by a man (possibly a woman) who played the trumpet, and he (or she) had ears, most likely two of them.

Is anything else called the ear trumpet? I don’t believe so. I have checked into nicknames for most all objects, except I haven't gotten to cleaning supplies, yet. So, it remains possible, although unlikely. Very few inventors play the trumpet anymore. They spend all of their time on Google.

15 things I hope I never step in (plus 6 more)

1. Barf from a stuffed animal head hanging on the wall – (that stuff could be very old)
2. Hot lava that is being struck by lightning.
3. Any Royal member’s nosebleed.
4. Grass in South Dakota. (I really have no desire to go to South Dakota, no matter how nice the grass may be)
5. A nest of flying ants (oh, and it’s being babysat by a crocodile!)
6. My own throat.
7. Women’s pantyhose.
8. A vat filled with old cigar boxes--and inside each box is a biting leprechaun.
9. Remains of anyone I knew from college.
10. Waist-high pond of nothing. (especially on a hot day)
11. A noose. It would be humiliating to be hung upside down in front of the entire village
12. A box full of expensive chocolates, nails, and white dress shirts.
13. Chewing gum that turns into boiling acid when spat out.
14. A crack that breaks my mother’s back (or my back).
15. A hole in a pirate’s plank, just big enough for one foot to fall into. (you know they’re going to think you’re just stalling.)
16. Anything that is gross and can kill you really fast.
17. A Scrabble board. (“I think I remember seeing the word fhgrsplut.” “Was that your word?”
18. A portal that transports a person directly to the core of the sun.
19. Melted animals.
20. A cloud. This would probably mean I was falling out of something really high.
21. Anything that I think isn’t feces and then after I step in it, I realize that it was. And why didn’t I just walk around it anyhow?

Things that make me yawn.

• Boring wars.
• Books on boring wars.
• Movies based on books about boring wars.
• Boring conflicts that never really become boring wars.
• Feeling like yawning.
• Trying really hard to make myself yawn.
• The act of yawning.
• Trying really hard to make sure the makers of the movie based on a book about a boring war see my yawn.
• Trying not to fake yawn.
• Anti-yawn demonstrations. (rebel at heart)
• Seeing anything that makes me yawn.

Back to School Special

As the school year has just started, I thought it appropriate to take a brief stroll down memory lane and recall one of my favorite high school moments.

One day we had a substitute teacher who was making us take turns reading out loud a paragraph from our textbook. I was a couple of rows away from where the reading started, so I had a moment to conspire with the kid behind me. When it was my turn to read, the student behind me leaned slightly forward and whispered the words to me. I then repeated the words out loud and moved my finger randomly around the page. At one point in the middle, I paused and whispered "What was that?" while acting like I was clearing my throat. Then the guy behind me whispered the line over again and I continued on.

The next day my real teacher called me back and asked me, "Do you have any idea why the substitute would recommend that I call you back here and have you read me something?" I responded, "Well, I think I really impressed him."

Good days.

General Observation

I noticed that no one posts comments on my site like “Boy, cute kids” or “Nice pic of the Grand Canyon” like I see on a lot of other blog sites. No biggie. Just something I noticed . . . and keep noticing.

Insights Out - yes, again.

I crouched silently in the bushes as Johnny slowly walked down the dark wooded path. As he turned the corner, I leapt out and scared Johnny with the news that his house had been robbed.

People say the strangest things. Like for instance, yesterday I was walking in the park minding my own business when I was approached by this great big guy with a tiny little mustache. As I turned my head and hurriedly walked passed him, I immediately thought “I bet that guy would have said something strange.”

To me a beautiful woman is like a beautiful painting of a pretty woman, but real and a little better looking.

I will never forget the time when I, as a backwards and bashful teenager, went to get my vision checked. After the doctor briefly examined my eyes, he gave me a solemn look, handed me a pair of glasses and said “you’re going to need these.”
“Yeah, those are my glasses,” I replied.
“I know,” he said defensively.
After that we just kind of sat there, and it was really awkward for awhile until I left.

I looked Timmy right in the eye and told him nothing that was real important. He responded with a normal shrug that sent shivers down my spine.

Word of the Week

This week’s word of the week: week
Try using it in a sentence this week.

Example: Try using it in a sentence this week.
Illustrative Example:
Tom: “C’mon Sally, you can’t ignore me forever.”
Sally: “Try using it in a sentence this week.”
Tom: “What?”
Sally: ---
Tom: “Sally, come back home please.”

How to Delete Boring, Pointless, or Unintelligible Posts

[This post has been deleted by the author.]

Choose Your Own Adventure Blog

You are just words away from beginning the first ever Choose Your Own Adventure blog posting.

Page 1

You are in the middle of a long vacation on the coasts of Africa. You look through your binoculars and in the distance you see a princess being held captive by a group of renegade militia radicals. The thought crosses your mind, I can help her. And by helping her, I’ll be helping thousands of people that she protects from the oppression of these renegade militia radicals. Maybe they will let her go if I give them money. I have to do something.

However, a moment later you also have the thought, Maybe I'll just get on a plane and fly home instead. This rescuing sounds like a lot of work and I kind of have a lot to do around the house anyway.

-------> If you want to help save the princess, GO TO page 3.

-------> If you want to start making your way to home, GO TO page 11.


Then suddenly, before you can decide, you are picked off by a sniper and fall dead onto the dusty road.

Fortunately though, the lady in distress was not really a princess, but the scene you witnessed was merely a photo shoot as part of an internet scam. Also, while you were away on vacation, your house was overrun by moths and you probably couldn’t have gotten much done there anyhow. So really, how your story ended saved you some money and a lot of frustration. Well done!

------> To try your luck again, GO TO page 1.

chadslist

As craigslist is getting way too overpriced and way too strict about banning people from their site who take pictures of toy cars and pass them off as real cars, I have started my own list.


Used Cheese Grater - $6.50

I bought this cheese grater for $8.00 in 2001. It just needs to be cleaned. Otherwise it is in great condition. I only used it to grate cheese or cheese-like substances.



Collectible Plate of Cookies - $18

For the Holiday collector: This is an almost complete set of "Santa cookies" from Christmas of 2005. Santa ate 1 and 1/2 cookies. The cookie in the upper left has rare Santa teeth marks. (Plate is not included. Buyer will have to provide own plate.)

WTB: Pear Painting - $10

I want to buy another painting like this one but with a bite out of the pear. I am willing to pay $10 but would prefer to pay $6-7 (as it does have a bite out of it). No apple painting solicitations please.

Goat - Free OBO

This is an older picture, but the goat is still in great shape. It now appears to look more like a black kitten. This is normal for mature "investment" goats. I will entertain all offers. No backing out, though. If you look, you take.



Light Switch - $4.00

This is a light switch in my hall. It has never been used. It came with the house, but I was given one just like it as a birthday present.

Here is a picture of the light switch in the "off" position. I haven't tinkered with this switch much, but I belive it has several positions. Reviews of this model can be read at http://www.lightswitchreviewsandgulfwarupdates.com/. You can download the user's guide and current software updates for the switch at that site as well.



Peach and Drink Set (perfect condition) - $40

Your classic peach and drink set. Never opened. The picture doesn't do it justice. You have to see to appreciate. I think the drink that comes with the set is a root beer or possibly a Sprite. Like I said, the set has never been opened, so I cannot say for sure.



Disposable Telescopic Camera Lens - $80

It fits onto almost all makes and models of cameras and works just as well as expensive alternatives (Minolta XXR lens, $600; Hubble Telescope, $70,000,000.). The lens has been used a lot. It should probably be thrown out soon, which is fine, because it is disposable. I have included an actual picture taken with this lens below.

This pic was taken from almost all the way across the room! Great investment.

Lot of Cars - Free

I bought one of those new SUVs that converts into a truck, so I don't need all of these cars anymore. Come take all you want for free. I have them parked on my neighbor's lot next door, since he never pulls his weeds or takes care of his property. The best time to come get them is probably between the hours of 3 am to 5 am (I have a crazy work schedule.) It is best if you don't make much noise, as my neighbor has the terrible habit of just firing his gun at anyone trying to remove the cars or clearing the weeds off his land, even though it's a real fire hazard. First come, first served.