My Feelings: Day 1

For the past few days, I’ve been thinking that I should be more open with my feelings, but I didn’t know how. Then this morning I was reading a touching greeting card when I saw a dog with only three legs hobbling to the bus stop, presumably to go to work. He stopped for a moment to kiss his doggy wife goodbye. He then continued on his path, until he stopped to kiss another dog. And then a cat. And just when the bus pulled up, he ran off with a whole pack of dogs, yapping and spastically kissing all the way. That beautiful scene was like emotional fiber loosening the bowels of my heart. And so I’ve decided that for the next ten days, I’m going to write about my feelings. It will feel good to share some tears together.

My Feelings: Day #1
Today, I felt really cold. I don’t know what it was—maybe a draft. But for some reason I think it was something else (probably not buttoning my vest). I wasn’t sure what to do. I hadn’t felt that way in a while. I put my jacket on, and that seemed to help. I don’t know what I would have done if it weren’t for my jacket. I really don’t know.

User Friendly

I tried to make my blog more user friendly. I realized that if anyone ever read this page, they would have to be constantly scrolling their eyes back and forth and up and down the page. So, I made links at the end of each line along the right side of the page. The link would then take the reader to the next line on the left side of the page. That saves the reader a lot of wasted time that he/she/noun could use to wonder why the punctuation was all wrong. I also added links at the end of each sentence that take the reader to the beginning of the next sentence. That way the reader can skip through the pointless spaces between sentences and keep on reading. These links were hyperlinks, which means that they glow, flash, and otherwise blink and jump around the screen. I then added links that automatically linked to other links on the page, until the entire blog was swirling around and emitting random holographs. However, I finally had to remove all of these great user friendly features when I realized the page was making my left eye partially melt. I apologize for the inconvenience, but you’ll have to read this blog as you would other user unfriendly blogs.

My First Big Break

I’ll always remember the day when I finally got my first big break in life. There I was, being handed the keys to the most enormous house I’d ever seen. I felt a little awkward, not even knowing the guy who had owned this house. He must have been an old rich man who died without any close family or friends. However, I soon learned that a life of wealth is not at all as I had imagined.

The house was big, there was no disputing that, but the living conditions were not ideal. All of the rooms were packed with desks and computers. And there were all these people there telling me to clean everything up. Plus, they wouldn’t even let me move in any of my things. There was this one nice guy, though, who would drop by and give me a check every couple of weeks. So I put up with all those other things.

However, after a little while, I finally got rid of all those desks and computers and brought in my bed. And guess what—everyone was mad. Even the nice check guy stopped coming by. Well, I guess around that same time they must have somehow found a closer living relative than me, because that first man showed up again and asked for the keys back. At that moment, I knew my time as a big shot had passed.

The Future: Are We Ready?

I was in my backyard digging a hole to bury a hang glider who flew into our window, when I hit something hard. I looked into the hole and discovered two objects. One was a cylindrical box; the other, a flat silver piece of metal.

The flat metal piece turned out to be the head of my shovel, which must have broken off while I was digging. I put the two objects aside and returned to my work. It slowed me down considerably having to just beat the ground with the handle. However, this turned out to be a blessing in disguise, as the hang glider came to after a couple of hours and walked off. So I ended up not having to finish digging the hole.

I was about to start filling the hole back in, when I realized that it might be nice to have an extra foxhole around, just in case. I put the handle down and examined the strange, cylindrical box. It appeared to be some sort of time capsule. It looked old and had the words “time capsule” written on the side—a clue, no doubt. After several minutes of struggling with the lid, I attempted to pull it off rather than push it harder into the box. It came off immediately. I was shocked by what happened next.

When the lid came off, I heard “you have opened the secret time capsule” in a voice that could only be described as sounding like the wind. It was me that said it, in my whispery ghost voice. I had attempted that voice many times before, but had never pulled it off quite so well as this time. And that shocked me.

My eye caught hold of a single sheet of paper lying facedown in the box. It wasn’t folded, so I wasted little time trying to unfold it. Maybe only a couple of minutes. It looked like a page torn out of a diary. In big block letters, it was entitled The Future: Are We Ready? I read it aloud. The page was short, but still too long to read in my whispery ghost voice (although that would have been a great effect).

The year is 1994. The smell is of the ocean. None of us realize that in 14 short years, the oceans will be replaced by ocean-smelling-like robots. We will dip our robot toes into the ocean and an electromagnetic signal will tell our robot brains that it feels cold and wet. “That is water,” we will say with our internet voice-over mouths. A robotic seagull will then fly over and drop a computer chip on our shoulders. “Oh great! Our new shirts (holographs) are ruined.” We put a postcard into the mailbox, which is actually a wireless scanner that e-mails the picture to our friends Tom and Stacey. We tell each other (IR beam info out of our eyes to the others’ brains) that we will always remember this time we had together at the ocean. We put our leash back on our robotic dog/microwave oven and walk to our cars and drive/digitally transport ourselves back home.

In fourteen years! That would be this year—2008. It did sound eerily similar to our world today—or at least, what our world could be like in a couple of "big" months. But something was troubling me. The author used certain words that someone from 1994 could never have understood or predicted—like Internet, wireless, and seagull. How could someone from the past have known what our life would be like or would soon be like in 2008? My first thought, of course, was that the person must have been an alien that sees all time in the present and got lost here for awhile until getting zapped back up to his ship (or her ship—but I think we all know “how things are” on other planets). But then I looked closer at the page. In the top corner was written “Planet: Earth.” It was an earthling all right. That’s exactly how one of us would have written that.

At that moment, I got distracted. I noticed an old newspaper in the bottom of the box. I started to call out Eureka, but I thought better of it and just yelled Jackpot. I quickly ran to the phone book to call a bookie (FYI—it’s pretty hard to find a bookie in the phone book. Turns out that a bookkeeper is an accountant, and the other places are all libraries). However, I found a real bookie’s number on-line. I placed a bunch of bets on the scores of some baseball games. But I think this scheme would have worked better if the sports page had been from the future instead of 1994. One of the teams I bet $1,000 on doesn’t even exist anymore. All in all, though, I lost quite a bit of money.

I had thought that digging that hole would solve all of my problems, but all it did was burden me with more questions. Who am I? Why am I here? Whose shovel is this? Hey, isn’t my house blue, like that one over there across the street?

Perhaps, it is better to wait for the future to provide us these answers—at a time when we, and the future, are ready (last part read in a whispery ghost voice).

Cool Calculator Trick

I've tried this five times in a row, and it worked each time. It's amazing. Follow the instructions below precisely.

Start with your age

• add your home phone number (no area code)
  
  
• subtract the age you were when you realized that cats aren't the girl and dogs the boy of some generic "pet" animal
  
  
• multiply by the number of the day of the month you were born on
  
  
• write the word "infinity" on your hand
  
  
• divide by any whole number between 5 and 7
  
  
• Turn the calculator upside down
  
  
• multiply by zero
  
  
• add your favorite number
  
  
• press the equals (=) button and turn the calculator right side up
  
  

The end result should be your favorite number. Whoah!

(this trick works on most all brand name calculators)

Feeling Bad -- a lesson learned in sympathy

I feel bad. No one ever talks to Stevie–well, except for all of the kids at school. I guess it’s mostly just me that no one talks to. But, I still feel bad.

To Blog or Not to Blog

I started blogging about six months ago, or should I say, blogging took over my life six months ago. When I started my blog, I never realized how many people it would affect, namely—me. I have to spend time posting things on the blog. Plus I have to create and manage a whole slew of fake accounts to post comments. The whole process is very time consuming and has affected me greatly. I now have no time for exercising, reading my mail, or putting on a belt.

Others were also affected. There were many people who asked me for favors that I forgot about because of all of this blogging. For example, Mrs. Wethers next door asked me to feed her bird while she was on vacation. That bird was the most affected of all by far.

At times I feel guilty because I am taking up so much space on the Internet. What if cyber space gets full before our little ones even learn to type? And goldfish and squirrels and other small creatures will never learn to type. That thought just makes me miserable. Maybe I want too much. I am leading two lives, a virtual web life and a non-virtual webless real life, while others have no lives—like Mrs. Wethers’ cat. Yes, now that I think of it she asked me to feed her cat, not a bird. No matter now.

This whole blogging thing has grown out of control. I used to enjoy reading my blog, but now whenever I look at it, all I see are red lines saying that I spelled something wrong. Or a green line saying fragment.

Should I stop? I wouldn’t even know how to go about it. Do I need to get something signed by the Webmaster (would a portal master do?)? Do I push one of those crazy buttons with a picture on it at the top of my keyboard? I have no idea what any of those are. I definitely do not want to push the wrong one and accidentally delete the world wide web, or even just the internet for that matter. There are still some great blogs out there that are guiding the rising generation. Blogs that provide the courage to forego college and instead become American Idol contestants, run a celebrity gossip blog, or perform other necessary duties that we depend on to keep America running.

And when it is all said and done, that is what I want. I want my blog to keep America up and running. And perhaps maybe, just maybe, that’s exactly what it has been doing. Since I’ve started my blog, America has kept all fifty or so of its states and has produced some great television shows (spin-offs of British shows). Is that just coincidence? I cannot take the risk. I will continue my blog. I will continue it for America, for great television, and in memory of Mrs. Wethers’ bird or cat.

At times the human spirit can soar to new heights

Bobby looked outside at the approaching storm clouds. He quickly grabbed a sweater, put it in a bag and locked the door behind him. He took one last look at the clouds overhead and took a deep breath. He then sprinted as fast as he could to the market at the corner. As he made it to the parking lot, thunder sounded and rain poured down from the sky. Bobby quickly reached down into the bag and pulled out his sweater. He threw the sweater high into the air and watched two cowboys fire five or six shots straight into its belly. Bobby put the sweater back in the bag, nodded to the cowboys, and calmly strolled back to his house.

Insights Out

Sandra didn’t have to go far to realize that she was still pretty close to where she had just left.

A wise man once told me “the unexamined life is not worth living.” I think it was Socrates. And I think he told me in a book that I had to read for some class in school.

I can do anything I set my mind to. And usually my mind is set to “hang out” mode.

Out of simple things

One of the simplest things to do in the whole world is to buy a bunch of corndogs and wrap them together in a bouquet and give it to your dog for his birthday.

Trust

Do not believe this: I am lying to you.

One for the Little Guy

Timmy hadn’t correctly answered a question in this class, or in any class, ever. Then it happened. The teacher asked when electricity was first discovered. Timmy knew all about electricity. He did a report on it last year. Timmy’s heart pounded, as he slowly raised his hand above his head. Inch by inch he raised it, excited and scared at the same time. The teacher looked shocked as she saw Timmy’s hand. She stared blankly for a second and then called on him, almost as a question – "Timmy?" Timmy cleared his throat, looked around at the faces of the kids who mercilessly teased him and answered. “I don’t know teacher. I don’t know.” It was the only thing that Timmy didn’t remember about electricity. Timmy then sunk his head into his folded arms on his desk and sighed.

The Black Pot

The black pot flew high into the air, and everyone started to freak out. Well, actually they more or less didn’t freak out, but acted normal. You would think that everyone would freak out. That’s the idea I had when I threw the black pot way up above my head. However, although some people kind of looked my way, most everyone just kept on talking and nodding to each other as they passed by. My whole plan was unraveling before me. When the black pot hit the ground, I knew it was over.

2008!

That last post "An Amusing Man" was the first ever post of the year 2008 (on my blog).

And sorry for the long delay in posts leading up to today. I got stuck in traffic.

An Amusing Man

I got kicked in the face today by the most amusing man. After he kicked me, he turned to me and said, “Now, what are you going to do about it?” Like there was anything I could do. I could barely even see, let alone stand up and do something. I mean the very idea that I would even attempt to do something in that state was ridiculous. What an imagination he had! Even now, as I am slouched here in the corner watching the puddle of my blood coagulate, I can’t think of a single thing that I could have done about it. He must have thought of something. Why else would he ask that? He probably had thought of a couple of things, since he had asked me which one I would choose to do. Oh, the creativity! I would trade the remaining portion of my left hand to have a creative and imaginative mind like that.

And there was something about the way he spoke that sounded inherently funny, like I had a concussion or a bleeding ear drum. It was like he was opening up his mouth and air was swirling into it as he spoke. I almost passed out from laughing and/or loss of blood.

Why did he do it? I have no idea. I don’t even know who he was. It must have been a completely spontaneous act. He was such a free spirit, full of life and enthusiastic rage. He must dance through life on a limb, breathing in the light and warmth and fear of the world around him. I, on the other hand, would never jump up and down on another’s arm. And to slap a person for “bleeding too much?” That idea would never just leap into my head; it would take some serious malicious brainstorming. But he could do it without a second thought, a hint of provocation, or the use of pepper spray, which he did use, but he really didn’t need it since I was already lying on the ground almost completely incapacitated.

This was truly a day to remember! You rarely get to meet amusing men like that more than once. They usually finish you off the first time.