Private Post

Please do not read the following post. It is personal.




credit card number: 711 6504 33333 (Norman's Nursery charge card)

secret identity: Goggles of Freedom Hero Man

personal goals: levitate, read Pride and War, etc.

Knowledge is Power

Why did I tell you all those things about me, you ask. Because knowledge is power my little sapling. How can this be, you then ask. It’s all quite simple.

Knowledge is power.
And power is electricity.
And electricity is lightning.
And lightning is power.
And power is a giant man with fists of lightning.

And that’s what you become when you have knowledge.

Seems pretty important now, doesn’t it?

What a lot of people don’t know about me

My name. Commonly I will test this out and ask people if they have ever heard of Chad Hatfield. I have never had anyone tell me yes. This is true even in my hometown, which is actually quite small. I think that people hear less about others in small towns, because the town is small and they don’t want to talk too much or it gets pretty loud fairly quickly.

That I exist. A majority of all the people I asked if they ever heard of me didn’t respond or even look my direction. They just kept on talking on their cell phones or driving by on their way to work or wherever it is all these people need to go in such a hurry.

I can’t hover above the ground. I’m sure that most people assume this, but they don’t know. I’ve always thought it would be neat to be able to hover a foot or two above the ground, without having to be dead or anything like that.

It’s easy to write poems using my first name. At one point I sat down and made a list of over one hundred words that rhyme with my name. However, it turned out that I didn’t exactly understand what rhyming was all about. Most of the words I had just copied from a menu that was on the table in front of me. I was at a restaurant at the time I made the list. In fact I was working there as a waiter. There were more words on the menu, but I couldn’t finish writing them down before the couple had finished “ordering.” Boy, that was the largest order I ever had! But again, no tip. Anyhow, it turns out that the only words that rhyme with my name are tad (like a tad pole) and silver-bed (which I am told is actually two separate words and isn’t really a “true” rhyme anyhow--even though the last letter of each sounds exactly the same.)

My background. I was born on a small planet, not far from the sun, called Earth. There are only two planets that are closer to the sun than Earth. Those two planets are Mercury and Venus and both of these planets are pretty close to the sun. How close to the sun, we will never know, but it is sufficient to say that they are close. Although, these two planets are closer to the sun than the Earth, I’ve always kind of thought of the sun as my sun. The sun and I have always had kind of a special kinship. Whenever I stare into the sun for a long time, it seems to kind of wink at me, like hey, bud—and it will keep winking at me until I black out. When I come to, I have a horrible headache and need to lie down in the dark for the rest of the day. Even good friends get into little squabbles every now and again, I suppose. I also went to school and have a family.

ATE Week results blog

Thank you to everyone who participated in ATE week. I browsed the newspaper this weekend and did not see a single headline about a bunch of homeless animals dying from bronchitis. Consider our efforts a giant success!

I have posted the winning entry below. It was pretty good. Of course, if there would have been any other entries, I assume it would have lost -- by a lot. As for the prize -- I will not e-mail a virus* to the winner for an entire month!** And now for the winning entry --

MOM: Who is going to win?
CLH: You. Nobody will join.
MOM: Oh my! I win!!
CLH: Yup. You is good.
MOM: Yup.


* at least not intentionally
** a month may mean 2 to 5 days in this context

URGENT!!!! Help needed immediately.

What does this mean?!!! What does this mean?!!!

ATE week

Want to get involved but don’t know how to contribute? Welcome to ATE week.

This week don’t use words that contain the letters A, T, or E. The goal is that this may somehow help benefit people with bronchitis or possibly homeless animals.

It’s so easy, even you could do it!

Example:

John: Oh. You.
Lori: Hi John.
John: Um. Hi Lori.
Lori: Whizzup?
John: Nofing.
Lori: Rock is no bill.
John: I got pink up my loins!
Lori: Sorry.
John: No fooling.
Lori: OK.
John: Good buy.
Lori: Yup. Good buy.

Try writing your own dialogue without using the letter A, T, or E and send it to chadhatfield@gmail.com. Write “ATE dialogue contest—I hope I win” in the subject line. The winning dialogue will be posted on this blog. All dialogues having the letters A, T, or E in them will be disqualified, and I will e-mail you a virus.

How else can you help homeless animals battling bronchitis? Enter today. See rules below.

Minimum 1 word to enter. Maximum 1,000 entries per household. Therefore, the minimum maximum would be 1,000 words per household. If any two entries are identical, each entry will be stamped "duplicate" which ends with "ate" and will be disqualified. Viruses for disqualification will be e-mailed within 5-10 business days. No purchase unnecessary.

Kid Projector Encore

The kid projector was so successful that I thought I would try out a couple of scenarios -- just for curiosity's sake.

A lot of people requested to see the results on these two:

Would produce the following:

Don't let those two together.

Here's another:

Would produce the following child:

Not bad. He's got April's body (tied up in his basement).

And finally, the one everyone is wondering about (What's next?):

Would produce the following child:

Looks about right.

Remember to go to www.whatexactlywouldtheirkidslooklike.science.org and try out other scenarios for yourself.

Kid Projector

I've been pretty anxious to see what my sisters' new baby boys are going to look like. I went to kidprojection.com and submitted pictures of the parents. They have some very sophisticated equipment that projects the appearance of the child from a photo of the parents. It cost me almost $300 for each, but I was able to get a projected picture of what the new babies will looke like. It seems to work surprisingly well.



I've posted the results below.





Jones - Parents











Jones - Baby Projection












Holt - Parents

Holt - Baby Projection

Pretty impressive, eh? Definitely worth the money.

Tip: If you try kidprojection.com yourself, make sure you submit large pictures of the parents. If you submit small pictures, the babies always end up looking like that white glove guy from the Hand Helper commercials. Other than that, it's perfect.

Complaints

I’ve been receiving a lot of complaints lately that the little alligator at the top of the screen isn’t dancing when you click on it.

Well, first of all, there is no alligator on this blog. That should solve most of the confusion.
If you are still experiencing problems, try bobbing your head a little, side to side. This should make the alligator appear to be dancing. This tip will work for most all things, not just alligators.

If you have found this blog helpful, please click the dancing napkins at the bottom of the page.

Google

A lot of people have been asking me, what is this Google I have been hearing about?

Well, simply put, Google is a computerized internet. Why is it important? Well, it used to be where you could just walk down the street and buy the internet on book. However, the internet has grown tremendously since we were allowed to just walk down the street for anything. In 1984, the internet was 993 pages long. Today, the internet is well over 1,000 pages! That’s a growth over a span of less than 25 years! As you can see, by the end of many more years, it will be almost impossible to print the internet without making a really long book. Plus, without a computerized internet, the computer would be reduced to only a computerized typewriter, and businesses who purchased advertisements on the internet will feel totally ripped off.

Can I become Google? No. This has been thoroughly researched (namely by me), and humans cannot become Google. Only computerized internets can become Google.

Okay, so if Google is a computerized internet, then what is a microphone? A microphone is a machine used to transmit and amplify sound. It is commonly referred to as the ear trumpet, and for good reason. It was invented by a man (possibly a woman) who played the trumpet, and he (or she) had ears, most likely two of them.

Is anything else called the ear trumpet? I don’t believe so. I have checked into nicknames for most all objects, except I haven't gotten to cleaning supplies, yet. So, it remains possible, although unlikely. Very few inventors play the trumpet anymore. They spend all of their time on Google.

15 things I hope I never step in (plus 6 more)

1. Barf from a stuffed animal head hanging on the wall – (that stuff could be very old)
2. Hot lava that is being struck by lightning.
3. Any Royal member’s nosebleed.
4. Grass in South Dakota. (I really have no desire to go to South Dakota, no matter how nice the grass may be)
5. A nest of flying ants (oh, and it’s being babysat by a crocodile!)
6. My own throat.
7. Women’s pantyhose.
8. A vat filled with old cigar boxes--and inside each box is a biting leprechaun.
9. Remains of anyone I knew from college.
10. Waist-high pond of nothing. (especially on a hot day)
11. A noose. It would be humiliating to be hung upside down in front of the entire village
12. A box full of expensive chocolates, nails, and white dress shirts.
13. Chewing gum that turns into boiling acid when spat out.
14. A crack that breaks my mother’s back (or my back).
15. A hole in a pirate’s plank, just big enough for one foot to fall into. (you know they’re going to think you’re just stalling.)
16. Anything that is gross and can kill you really fast.
17. A Scrabble board. (“I think I remember seeing the word fhgrsplut.” “Was that your word?”
18. A portal that transports a person directly to the core of the sun.
19. Melted animals.
20. A cloud. This would probably mean I was falling out of something really high.
21. Anything that I think isn’t feces and then after I step in it, I realize that it was. And why didn’t I just walk around it anyhow?

Things that make me yawn.

• Boring wars.
• Books on boring wars.
• Movies based on books about boring wars.
• Boring conflicts that never really become boring wars.
• Feeling like yawning.
• Trying really hard to make myself yawn.
• The act of yawning.
• Trying really hard to make sure the makers of the movie based on a book about a boring war see my yawn.
• Trying not to fake yawn.
• Anti-yawn demonstrations. (rebel at heart)
• Seeing anything that makes me yawn.

Back to School Special

As the school year has just started, I thought it appropriate to take a brief stroll down memory lane and recall one of my favorite high school moments.

One day we had a substitute teacher who was making us take turns reading out loud a paragraph from our textbook. I was a couple of rows away from where the reading started, so I had a moment to conspire with the kid behind me. When it was my turn to read, the student behind me leaned slightly forward and whispered the words to me. I then repeated the words out loud and moved my finger randomly around the page. At one point in the middle, I paused and whispered "What was that?" while acting like I was clearing my throat. Then the guy behind me whispered the line over again and I continued on.

The next day my real teacher called me back and asked me, "Do you have any idea why the substitute would recommend that I call you back here and have you read me something?" I responded, "Well, I think I really impressed him."

Good days.

General Observation

I noticed that no one posts comments on my site like “Boy, cute kids” or “Nice pic of the Grand Canyon” like I see on a lot of other blog sites. No biggie. Just something I noticed . . . and keep noticing.

Insights Out - yes, again.

I crouched silently in the bushes as Johnny slowly walked down the dark wooded path. As he turned the corner, I leapt out and scared Johnny with the news that his house had been robbed.

People say the strangest things. Like for instance, yesterday I was walking in the park minding my own business when I was approached by this great big guy with a tiny little mustache. As I turned my head and hurriedly walked passed him, I immediately thought “I bet that guy would have said something strange.”

To me a beautiful woman is like a beautiful painting of a pretty woman, but real and a little better looking.

I will never forget the time when I, as a backwards and bashful teenager, went to get my vision checked. After the doctor briefly examined my eyes, he gave me a solemn look, handed me a pair of glasses and said “you’re going to need these.”
“Yeah, those are my glasses,” I replied.
“I know,” he said defensively.
After that we just kind of sat there, and it was really awkward for awhile until I left.

I looked Timmy right in the eye and told him nothing that was real important. He responded with a normal shrug that sent shivers down my spine.