Monday, January 12, 2009

Cash Prize Poll - Sponsored by FTWNAFBP

Please take the poll located at the right of the page. Fortunetellers of Western North America for Big Profits (or "FTWNAFBP") is offering high payouts for those found to be "touched by the rainbow's wisdom." If you select the right answer, you may win up to $5,000.* There is no cost to enter--unless you pay me of course, which I would be glad to accept if you need a tax write off (won't work) or less money in your bank account for some reason. Please do not delay. This offer will not last long (if it even exists at all).

*Cash prize is conditioned upon you independently buying your own scratch lotto ticket and winning. Odds of winning vary by each ticket as do cash prizes--thus the prize is stated as "up to" $5,000. If you buy a scratch ticket offering prizes of over $5,000, then it is possible to win more than $5,000. Again, this is only if you win, and you must buy your own ticket. Do not send me used scratch shavings.

Monday, January 5, 2009

2009 Goals

I thought it would be a clever idea to make 2,009 goals for the year 2009. However, I started to lose steam before I even reached 1,000. So, here are my goals for this upcoming year.

1. Invent the computer.
2. Talk to an astronaut, and not just on a prank call.
3. Defeat the rainbow, once and for all.
4. Learn French but never use it.
5. Tie a new kind of knot each day of the year.
6. Learn how to untie at least some of the knots.
7. Go on a strict "No Food or Drink" diet for over 1,000 hours. (this equates to around 3 hours a day, which I plan on doing from 2 - 5 a.m.
8. Go river rafting on the Sudan.
9. Memorize an entire book (Where's Waldo, Volume IV.)
10. Somehow save lots of money by eating left handed.
11. Don't blow all of the money I made by inventing the computer.
12. Stop wasting money on buying soda, gas, and reptile cages.
13. No T.V. on Labor Day.
14. Lose 35 or 3 pounds, whichever comes first.
15. Give away two phony scholarships.
16. Make a volcano go off.
17. Videotape a monkey performing surgery.
18. Buy a healthcare.
19. Never quit on any of my goals unless they get pretty hard (or boring, or I lose the list).
20. Sip lemonade at the tennis club with all the bigshots without crying because it's so sour.
21. Write a book (in the sand with a stick on a beach somewhere warm).
22. Sue anyone who says they invented the computer.

May all your goals magically come true this year.