Tuesday, September 25, 2007


I’ve been receiving a lot of complaints lately that the little alligator at the top of the screen isn’t dancing when you click on it.

Well, first of all, there is no alligator on this blog. That should solve most of the confusion.
If you are still experiencing problems, try bobbing your head a little, side to side. This should make the alligator appear to be dancing. This tip will work for most all things, not just alligators.

If you have found this blog helpful, please click the dancing napkins at the bottom of the page.

Friday, September 21, 2007


A lot of people have been asking me, what is this Google I have been hearing about?

Well, simply put, Google is a computerized internet. Why is it important? Well, it used to be where you could just walk down the street and buy the internet on book. However, the internet has grown tremendously since we were allowed to just walk down the street for anything. In 1984, the internet was 993 pages long. Today, the internet is well over 1,000 pages! That’s a growth over a span of less than 25 years! As you can see, by the end of many more years, it will be almost impossible to print the internet without making a really long book. Plus, without a computerized internet, the computer would be reduced to only a computerized typewriter, and businesses who purchased advertisements on the internet will feel totally ripped off.

Can I become Google? No. This has been thoroughly researched (namely by me), and humans cannot become Google. Only computerized internets can become Google.

Okay, so if Google is a computerized internet, then what is a microphone? A microphone is a machine used to transmit and amplify sound. It is commonly referred to as the ear trumpet, and for good reason. It was invented by a man (possibly a woman) who played the trumpet, and he (or she) had ears, most likely two of them.

Is anything else called the ear trumpet? I don’t believe so. I have checked into nicknames for most all objects, except I haven't gotten to cleaning supplies, yet. So, it remains possible, although unlikely. Very few inventors play the trumpet anymore. They spend all of their time on Google.

Friday, September 14, 2007

15 things I hope I never step in (plus 6 more)

1. Barf from a stuffed animal head hanging on the wall – (that stuff could be very old)
2. Hot lava that is being struck by lightning.
3. Any Royal member’s nosebleed.
4. Grass in South Dakota. (I really have no desire to go to South Dakota, no matter how nice the grass may be)
5. A nest of flying ants (oh, and it’s being babysat by a crocodile!)
6. My own throat.
7. Women’s pantyhose.
8. A vat filled with old cigar boxes--and inside each box is a biting leprechaun.
9. Remains of anyone I knew from college.
10. Waist-high pond of nothing. (especially on a hot day)
11. A noose. It would be humiliating to be hung upside down in front of the entire village
12. A box full of expensive chocolates, nails, and white dress shirts.
13. Chewing gum that turns into boiling acid when spat out.
14. A crack that breaks my mother’s back (or my back).
15. A hole in a pirate’s plank, just big enough for one foot to fall into. (you know they’re going to think you’re just stalling.)
16. Anything that is gross and can kill you really fast.
17. A Scrabble board. (“I think I remember seeing the word fhgrsplut.” “Was that your word?”
18. A portal that transports a person directly to the core of the sun.
19. Melted animals.
20. A cloud. This would probably mean I was falling out of something really high.
21. Anything that I think isn’t feces and then after I step in it, I realize that it was. And why didn’t I just walk around it anyhow?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Things that make me yawn.

  • Boring wars.
  • Books on boring wars.
  • Movies based on books about boring wars.
  • Boring conflicts that never really become boring wars.
  • Feeling like yawning.
  • Trying really hard to make myself yawn.
  • The act of yawning.
  • Trying really hard to make sure the makers of the movie based on a book about a boring war see my yawn.
  • Trying not to fake yawn.
  • Anti-yawn demonstrations. (rebel at heart)
  • Seeing anything that makes me yawn.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Back to School Special

As the school year has just started, I thought it appropriate to take a brief stroll down memory lane and recall one of my favorite high school moments.

One day we had a substitute teacher who was making us take turns reading out loud a paragraph from our textbook. I was a couple of rows away from where the reading started, so I had a moment to conspire with the kid behind me. When it was my turn to read, the student behind me leaned slightly forward and whispered the words to me. I then repeated the words out loud and moved my finger randomly around the page. At one point in the middle, I paused and whispered "What was that?" while acting like I was clearing my throat. Then the guy behind me whispered the line over again and I continued on.

The next day my real teacher called me back and asked me, "Do you have any idea why the substitute would recommend that I call you back here and have you read me something?" I responded, "Well, I think I really impressed him."

Good days.