Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Santa Tracking Report

The latest report just came in. Santa ran into a little weather situation (mini tsunami) and is still flying over Indonesia.

The odds of him making it farther west than England is pretty grim.

Children in the Americas should be informed that although Christmas may be fruitless, all indicators are pointing to a big Easter.

More updates as they come in.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

How to Land a Dream Job in a Down Economy

How to Land the Job of Your Dreams: The ultimate and fail safe job interview helps that are guaranteed to land you the job of your choice.

Rule number one: Always start by stating that you went to Harvard. That is impressive and will be your “in.”

Once you have your “in,” tell the interviewer something interesting about yourself, but avoid any funny stories of things you have done that may be considered “criminal activity.” If you cannot think of something interesting about yourself, think about something interesting that someone you know has done. (After all, we influence the people we know, so it is really more of a team effort.) For example, you may say “I was the first man to walk on the moon.” We all know who Neil Armstrong is, so no harm done. Plus, this is also impressive. Now you have two “ins.”

With two “ins”, it is pretty hard not to get the job. At this point, you are just trying not to blow it. Stay away from explosive topics like war, politics, religion, and especially political religious wars. Instead, try asking a few questions about the interviewer’s love life. You want to make things personal. The interviewer may act hesitant at first, but keep prodding. This is all part of the test. Keep the payoff in sight. If you develop a connection with the person, you will have sealed the deal. If you do not feel that immediate connection, try throwing in a few statements like “My favorite color is the same as yours.” Or “If you had your own business, I would definitely want to work there . . . forever . . . and ever . . . and ever . . . and ever. Continue the “and evers” until the interviewer breaks away from your piercing eye contact, even if this takes several minutes. He needs to know that you are sincere—to the grave and beyond sincere.

At this stage, the interviewer will probably go through a series of questions as a formality. Be prepared to answer questions about why all the phone numbers for your references are disconnected or no longer in use.

When asked about your prior work experience, be descriptive and use bold action verbs. Do not say “I babysat during the summer.” Instead, say “I engineered and developed state-of-the-art technology as regional director of the research and development department.” Such language will pique the interviewer’s interest. Employers want people with transferable skills. They are not looking for someone to babysit (unless it is a child care center—that is the only exception), they want someone to engineer and develop. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard employers say that.

Also, don’t wait too long to ask if the employer believes in some of the illnesses you think you may have. This would also be the time to ask detailed questions about the number of security cameras and guards they keep around the office. It is important to show interest in their business.

And most important, be prepared for anything. Bring a can of mace, a magic deck of cards, a jump rope, monopoly money, anything that might get you out of a tough question.

And finally, for a nice finishing touch to the interview, hand the interviewer a thank you card and ask him to write his name and his company’s name in the blanks. (You do not want to risk misspelling the names. It may give the impression that you are not thoughtful.) When he is done, ask to borrow a stamp, and then leave the thank you card on his desk. (This way, even if you do not get the job—hey, free stamp!)

Remember proper etiquette is to wait at least five minutes before calling to see if you got the job and to ask if you can get that first pay check advanced.

Enjoy many happy years in the job of your dreams.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Editor position available

If anyone would like to be an associate editor for this blog, please e-mail me a one word resume.

Please do not send anything longer than one word. I have a very old computer.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Concession Post

Recently there has been a lot of buzz around the Internet about when I am going to update my newly transformed political blog. Obviously, that last post was less about politics than it was about Thanksgiving (or pilgrim chemicals or whatever it was about—I really couldn’t follow it). If you want to know the truth about the political blog—I had to shut it down.

It is with deep regret that I inform you that my political blog is no more. It turns out that what I considered “not bad,” many others with a background in politics considered “very, very bad, in a monumental way.”

Recent reports indicate that my one day of political blogging was the nation’s biggest disaster since the Fredericks Fiasco and more than likely caused the nation’s economic downturn. (For the novice, the Frederick’s Fiasco was when we elected Mr. Fredericks, who we later discovered was a scarecrow and then had to elect a new president right away. Actually, that may have been a cartoon. No matter now.)

The day after my political post, 15,700 people requested to have their citizenship revoked and moved to Canada (could anything really be that serious?). Experts claim it is linked to my blog, but I have my own theory (My theory involves a bunch of people, maybe 15,700 or so, who wanted their Citizen brand watches refurbished and also happened to be terrible typists.)

Over 600 legal immigrants pretended to have fraudulent social security numbers and voluntarily turned themselves in. Each handed the authorities a confession in feigned broken English citing to my website.

Additionally, almost 37% of those signed up to take the US Citizenship test no-showed. Again, everyone is blaming that on my blog, but I’ve yet to read any compelling evidence. (I’ve thrown all of the reports they sent straight into the garbage.)

So, I’ll go back to writing about highlighters, wind chimes, second-hand kung-fu moves, and other topics that affect people’s lives on a more meaningful and day-to-day level than mere politics. Besides, I really couldn’t think of any more ideas. I pretty much covered all I knew about politics in that one post.

This may come to a great surprise to anyone who has ever attended a social gathering with me, but I actually do not follow politics as closely as you probably supposed. Pretty much all I do at those gatherings is go up to people talking politics and throw in a couple of rehearsed phrases. I’ve found the following to work well in most all situations:

  • “Our entire system is constitutionally constipated!” (throw down napkin and storm off)
  • “Recount! Recount!” (can be repeated numerous times for great comedic effect)
  • “typical intellectual mannequins” (said with a disgusted face)
  • “Show me a candidate who will dye their green roots red, white, and blue, and I’ll bake him a presidential cake faster than you can say Secretary of State.” (force a tear, or if you’re no actor, gently poke your eye with a toothpick beforehand.)

I just throw those out at random. People really in those discussions are usually smart enough to somehow abstract something intellectually coherent out of the phrase. Man, they are really smart. I really should have had them write on my blog. Oh well, that ship has sunk.

So, Goodbye politics. I wish I could have gotten to know you a little better. I’ll try studying up again in 2012 on the drive over to the voting booths.

And lastly, to all of you who depended on my blog for your political insight these past few months (or one day, if you want to be technical), I wish you the best. As they say in politics (or in any situation really), “see ya’ around.”