Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Insights Out

The bluffing man will bluff away your bluff, but the foolish man will tell you to hold his cards while he goes to the bathroom and then never come back.

Our drama teacher told our class, "All the world is a stage." I raised my hand and added that "In France, people would say that phrase in French." But no one seemed really impressed that I knew anything about the French or how or what things they would say.

The last thing I ever expected was for this sentence to be so boring.

Man of the Year

Jim was one of those guys who would give you the shirt off his back. But he wouldn’t give you just a button off his shirt, even if you kept asking him for it. And if you reached over and tried to pull the button off, he would slap at your hand. Yes, man of the year indeed.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Brain Blog

June 12 is National Brain Day*. So in celebration of the human brain and in order to educate the future brains of tomorrow, today’s post is dedicated to Gene Brain, inventor of the wax replica of the human brain*.

In Celebration of the Human Brain

Science has shown that men use only 1/8th of their brain’s capacity. And one-half of that is used on retaining sports statistics. Imagine the capability for improvement. If we could somehow fuse three of these brains together, that would be almost three times the capacity! That’s a lot of stats, my friend. (We could start following hockey or soccer.)

When I think of “mind tricks,” I usually think of some mysterious older man who hypnotizes this other guy and gets his brain to roll over. Good Brain. Good Brain.

My mind will make me a lot of money some day. That is if it turns into gold or something.

My favorite thing to do with my brain is to just let it relax awhile, as I wander the halls as Bee Man, pinching everyone I pass.

Protect the Brain You Love

Eight Tips to Prevent Memory Loss
(as reproduced from the Harvard Brain Journal, June 31, 2008 A.D.)

1) Remember things.
2) Don’t forget the things that you are trying to remember.
3) Turn off the TV. Take time to watch someone read a book.
4) Train your mind to remember things that you have already forgotten.
5) Eat all of the “brain foods” that don’t actually have brains in them.
6) Don’t talk to strangers.
7) Remember to do all seven of these on at least a weekly basis.
8) Please don’t forget number 6. That could be dangerous.

There are actually sixteen tips to prevent memory loss, but somehow "sixteen tips" doesn't have the same "wow, that sounds easy!" effect that "eight tips" seems to have. So, the second eight are listed below.

If you feel yourself starting to forget about something, take a deep breath, picture a waterfall, and relax. Pretty soon you’ll wet your pants. That will make your brain associate forgetting things with wetting your pants, which your brain will try to avoid in the future at all costs.

The very moment you forget something, write it down. That way you’ll have a record of all the things you have forgotten, and in the future you won’t forget all the things that you already no longer know.

Memorize your life and everything that affects it or has affected it in anyway whatsoever.

Tell someone to learn to play a musical instrument.

Take lots of super memory pills. These pills are commonly sold at gas stations and on late night television (added bonus—they come in a two-pack with pills that make you read faster).

Uncomplicate your life. Quit your job, drop your hobbies, stop replying to people when they talk to you. You need to unclutter your mind.

Don’t stick long chopsticks in your ears, even for a funny gag that amuses everyone at the table but your lame date.

And most of all, if you feel yourself forgetting about the fifty bucks you loaned me, just let it go. The human brain can only handle so much.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Learning and Growing

My first grade teacher really had a gift for making each student participate in the learning process. There was one such moment that I will never forget. Math was always hard for me, so I never raised my hand to answer a question. So one day my teacher turned to me and said, “Tell me what four plus three is, or I’ll sue you!” And I’ll tell you what, that day I answered. I was full of nervousness and fear, but then everything suddenly came together. All the jumbled numbers fell into place as I blurted out “fifty-eleven.” The kids laughed, but I grew from the experience and you know, I wasn’t so nervous the next time I had to answer, which was in court to the judge. That teacher took me for all I was worth, and I’ll never forget it.

Tuesday is Blog Day

I will post on Tuesdays, unless I post on another day of the week. Then I will post on non-Tuesdays. For example, Sunday is a non-Tuesday. So is Monday through Saturday, except for Tuesday, which is not a non-Tuesday.

Why Tuesday, you ask. Because Tuesday is the one day where you really don’t have anything to look forward to. And I don’t want to change that.

If you are uncomfortable with this explanation, then please click the “comment” link below. Proceed to write your frustrations. When you are done, quickly click on the red X on the top right corner of the screen and take a moment to "chill out." If your comment had any merit, I'm sure it will end up in my e-mail account.

If you have any other questions about this, please check the frequently asked questions (FAQ) section below.


What if today is a Thursday? Does that mean you won’t be posting a message, because you only post on Tuesdays?
That is two questions. And only the first one is frequently asked.

What if today is a Wednesday . . . does that mean you won’t be posting a message, because you only post on Tuesdays?
Good question. However, it is totally irrelevant. Wednesday is tomorrow. How could you post something tomorrow, when it hasn’t even happened yet? This is impossible, even for blogging.

Do you post on Saturdays?
No. I only post on Tuesdays and non-Tuesdays.

Is Saturday a non-Tuesday?
I do not respond to gender specific questions. Please review original post for explanation of which days are non-Tuesdays.

Today is Tuesday, June 5th. Does that mean you post only on the 5th, because the 5th are Tuesdays?
No. I reserve the right to post on non-Tuesdays, which include days other than the 5th, such as the 17th or 9th. These days are non-Tuesdays—more specifically Fridays.

Are there any days that are not Tuesdays?
No, except for non-Tuesdays, which does not include Tuesday or other days that are not non-Tuesdays.

So, Tuesday is a non-Tuesday?
Read everything already written above again. And then a third time.

How about Good Friday?
I take the day off work, but I don’t go to the parade. I may or may not post on that day, depending if it falls on a Tuesday.

What if I’m busy on Tuesday?
You are not required to be watching your computer simultaneously as I post. You can view the post later on a non-Tuesday. However, I cannot guarantee that the letters will be in Times New Roman font if viewed on a non-Tuesday (or if posted in Arial).

I guess what I mean is, what if you are busy on Tuesday?
I don’t need to review my post. I have spell checker.

How do I know if my question is listed in this FAQ section?
There’s probably no way of ever really knowing. It’s more a question of impression. It’s something you should ask yourself each day and keep between just you and your impression(s).

And by far the most frequently asked question:

Is this question frequently asked?